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Over Sensitive Wife, How to Deal with Her?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 17, 2017

Question

We are a recently married older couple. We met online, spoke for 6 months before getting married. My wife has a high sex drive. She has mentioned this in a round about way bit when I said it she was very upset and cried. After we made up a few days later I foolishly joked that I might not be enough for her and she may need someone else. It was an inappropriate joke but, in my opinion, she has overreacted by crying and saying I have hurt her so bad and that I am questioning her chastity. I have apologized on numerous occasions. I have promised not to joke about sex, ect. I am a widower with 3 children. Single for 3 years. Loved my wife dearly. My wife married late after spending 5 years looking after her mum. Had an arranged marriage that lasted a year. Her husband did not provide and was emotionally abusive.

Counselor

Answer


Wife

In this counseling answer:

“I would kindly suggest dear brother that you and your wife take Islamic marriage classes.  They are offered at a lot of Masjids, perhaps there is one in your area.  While you both have been married before you may feel, well why should we?  However, you have not been married to each other before!  Marriage classes are for the young, the older, the first time married and those who have been previously married. ”


As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife. It sounds like she has misconstrued what you said and took it the wrong way. As you are a newly married couple, you are still learning each others ways and personalities.  There will be some conflicts and this is to be expected, however, the key lies in forgiveness, communication and a dedication to working things out. Communication is very important in marriage.   It is said that communication can make or break a marriage, it is that vital.

While your wife may be sensitive perhaps there is a reason.  As you stated she was in an abusive first marriage perhaps her x husband use to accuse her of cheating or needing or being with other men, possibly abusing  her physically thinking she did.  This, if true-may

This, if true-may be one reason for her response, you unknowingly triggered her past pain. I would kindly suggest dear brother that when things are calm that you sit with her in a nice atmosphere and talk with her about her x husband.  It may be difficult (for you both) but in the long run the more you know about what happened to her the better you will be able to avoid her triggers as well as help her heal insha’Allah. It may be possible that she has not told you the extent of the abuse.

Perhaps it was so severely emotional that she is suffering from trauma or it could even have been physical abuse. For cases of abuse, if she has not already done so, I would highly recommend that she get counseling for any residual issues so that they do not affect the current marriage to you.  Sadly, some women from abusive relationships may have trust issues as well as sensitivities due to the abuse they experienced.  With patience, love, and consistency, however, you can help her get over these trauma’s insha’Allah.

You sound like a wonderful husband, you just need to get to know your wife better as she needs to get to know you!  Marriage, as you know, is work.  It is a joy, but in that joy are also things that may need to be healed, nurtured and addressed.  With counseling Insha’Allah, with help, this will pass and you both will continue to get to know one another and bond closer, looking towards a wonderful life ahead.

I would kindly suggest dear brother that you and your wife take Islamic marriage classes.  They are offered at a lot of Masjids, perhaps there is one in your area. While you both have been married before you may feel, well why should we?  However, you have not been married to each other before!  Marriage classes are for the young, the older, the first time married and those who have been previously married.

Classes usually help you both explore your communication styles,  personalities,  commonalities and differences, strengths and weaknesses which can help you both bond as a newly married couple.  Classes also cover Islamic principles and guidelines as well as tips and skills to enhance the marriage.

Also, please do try to pray with your wife as often as possible, read Qur’an together, take walks and spend quality time doing uplifting activities to bring you closer to each other and Allah.   As far as her desires for lovemaking, trying to accommodate her needs as much as possible without the comments said in the jovial small talk.  While sometime in the future she may see them as loving or cute, right now is not the time.  Continue first, building those bridges and bonds with her.   We wish you both the best brother, please let us know how you’re doing.

We wish you both the best brother, please let us know how you’re doing.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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