Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing in to our live session. First of all, congratulations on your marriage! May Allah bless you both in your marriage. I am sorry to hear of your issues with communication with your husband. The first year of marriage can be a blissful one, yet it is also a trial and error period wherein two people joined as one are getting to know each other. Ideally, when you marry, you should be living together in order to get to know one another and develop that loving bond as well as learning about each other. However, as your husband is in the UK and you are not, it brings more difficulties. As you discussed what was going on with the lack of communication, the often coldness and anger you felt from him as well as the fact that you have not yet consummated your marriage, brings me to several points.
If he was friendly to you before marriage and changed afterwards, it may be due to insecurities, especially as you were not able to consummate your marriage. While you did not say why, I can only assume (Allah forgive me if I am wrong) it was because he could not perform? If this is the case, then his current behavior is reflective of disappointment in himself as a man, as a husband who desires to please his wife, as well as the fear that he may continue to fail in regards to consummating the marriage. This is a very sensitive issue for men.
His avoidance of you, lack of communication and so forth is an effort to not be further embarrassed, questioned or asked to be intimate. Another possibility, since you mentioned he was on the computer all the time, is that prior to his marriage to you he, as many young men, became addicted to pornography which can have negative consequences on performance. I am not saying this is the case sister, but I am trying to look at all angles. It may also be due to an undisclosed medical condition, medication, performance anxiety as well as many other things.
Communication is vital in marriage as you know. I suggest dear sister that you approach your husband in a loving manner and express your desire to be close to him. Express your desire to work things out with him. Continue to write him, encourage him, and express your desire for a wonderful marriage. In sha’ Allah, in time, he will feel secure and safe enough to start communicating with you again. It is my feeling that he is going through something, and it has nothing to do with you.
I would also suggest that you set a time limit on his behaviors of communication, only for your own sense of progress in this matter. You did not mention when he is coming home next, but perhaps this may be the time when you can sit down with him and discuss your needs in this marriage and ask him for his feedback and ask him if he can provide some solutions.
Lastly, do not give up dear sister! This marriage is too new to throw in the towel. As stated, he may be feeling some shame and loss of manhood due to the marriage not being consummated. I would give him time, and if all else fails, when he gets home and after you have spoken with him, you may want to suggest marital counseling to get at the root of the problem.
Make du’aa’ dear sister as Allah (SWT) knows best and is our ultimate healer.
You are in our prayers! Please let us know how you are doing.
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