In this counseling answer:
Open the conversation and find a middle ground between your positions.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
A few points to consider regarding your own separate account and how to keep mutual respect and love.
Your husband works long hours and this means he is probably stressed out often. This probably contributes to his moods and reactions that you described as getting angry and controlling of money. When anyone works hard for something, they are more protective of it.
Sometimes when we work hard, we tend to enjoy ourselves; this may be why you described your husband as a “spender.” This helps him enjoy life.
You mentioned that he always provides everything for you and your family; thus, he meets his obligation as a provider. He does not withhold anyone’s rights.
The example you gave about family gifts is considered a luxury or extra token of generosity on his part, not an obligation. However, this example you gave may indicate your general frustration with your husband and his relations with your family.
How to approach your husband
- Set a good space to have this conversation regarding finances.
- Acknowledge his efforts as a provider over the years and show gratitude for his generosity.
- Remind him that having your own account is not an act of defiance or competition but rather a way for you to feel more secure.
- If he asks why you don’t feel secure, open the discussion regarding disclosure and transparency around family budget and spending trends. Share how you feel that there should be more discussion, consultation, and trust after all these years.
- Emphasize the point that the finance system you two had in place in the past was working well but now needs to be readdressed and restructured. As people and marriages evolve, so do their relational systems. This matter is simply about improvement for your marriage.
- Remind him that having your own account is legitimate since your wealth is protected under Islamic law. What you provide for the family is from your generosity. Hence, he should not get upset about this, especially because it seems you have shown an excellent track record of having courtesy and respect towards your husband when it comes to finances.
It is not wrong for you to have your own account, sister. Parameters and systems around finances in your marriage are really up to the two of you. It should not be an issue of competition or threat, rather evolve as a team to meet each other’s needs in the most balanced way. Open the conversation and find a middle ground between your positions.
May God give both of you success in your endeavors, amen.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.