In this counseling answer:
“You also need to ponder on the fact that she is the one who was destined to be with you from Allah. There must have been a good reason that Allah chose that particular girl for you and your future family that you will build together Insha’Allah. Do focus on those qualities of her, and be grateful to Allah for a wife who is loving and pious.
For any marital relationship to be successful, it is essential that the communication between the couples is good. Do not hide things from her. Increase your communication with her in any way you can. You will definitely see a positive difference in your relationship.”
Assalamu Alaiykum Brother,
Thank you for reaching out for advice. Alhamdulillah, I am glad that previous counseling has made a positive impact on your relationship with your wife. I hope this answer brings you and your wife closer, physically, emotionally and spiritually In sha’Allah.
You have sought advice for three aspects of your marital life that include, how to be more attracted to your wife and find her more beautiful than other girls. Secondly, how to overcome the pain that your wife experiences during intercourse. Lastly, how to focus solely on your married life.
For the first part, you need to understand that once you are married, the wife becomes the “center” of your attention. You do appreciate that the girl left her family behind to start a new life with you. She has dreams of spending a good life with you, has children with you and beautifying your home with you while you have the responsibility of providing for her needs.
You also need to ponder on the fact that she is the one who was destined to be with you from Allah. There must have been a good reason that Allah chose that particular girl for you and your future family that you will build together Insha’Allah. Do focus on those qualities of her, and be grateful to Allah for a wife who is loving and pious.
In the Quraan Allah says,
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” [Quran 30:21]
Personally, I think attraction between husband and wife should not be based on physical beauty as that kind of attraction would be very superficial. In fact, Allah created each one of us and He gave each of us different qualities, traits, features. There is beauty in everything and everyone that Allah has created; you just need to find out what it is. Since Allah is the Creator; we are nobody to find flaws in anybody’s height or physical features. The things that matter most are that the person is well-mannered, pious and fulfills your needs.
However, as a husband, you can ask your wife to dress up a certain way or beautify herself as you would like to see her. For instance, you can ask her politely to wear light makeup, or have a certain hair-cut, etc. However, make sure that you are providing for the “investment” she is putting on herself for your sake.
Build an Emotional Bond
Attraction is not necessarily based on physical beauty. There are so many ways to get closer to your wife and bond emotionally with her. When you focus on building an emotional bond, you will automatically get closer to each other physically as well.
Below are some suggestions that can help you get an emotional bond with your wife:
- Communicate with your wife more often – try to find out her likes, dislikes, fears, hopes and aspirations
- Plan out your daily activities together, and devote time to spend together
- Go out on honeymoon somewhere, if only for a couple of days
- Share your thoughts and memories with her – treat her like your friend
- Pray together
- Help her with chores
- Do fun activities together, such as playing a game, or watching a light movie together
Overcoming the Communication Gap
For any marital relationship to be successful, it is essential that the communication between the couples is good. Do not hide things from her. Increase your communication with her in any way you can. You will definitely see a positive difference in your relationship.
Also, do not be shy or embarrassed to discuss sexuality or related topics with her. You are both adults and married together; hence, discussing concerns in your mind would be essential in overcoming your problems. On the other hand, not communicating about your concerns will lead to frustration and resentment. Girls are generally shy and wait for husbands to start discussing the topic. So, it is probably up to you to start discussing your concerns with your wife.
Dealing with Pain
There are two things that could be causing pain during intercourse for your wife.
Firstly, it is possible that your wife has an infection. Although she is a doctor, she may not be experienced about this since girls are usually shy about such topics and do not discuss it with adults. A visit to a gynecologist will solve the matter, hopefully.
It is important to rule out the possibility of infection first. If antibiotics and medication do not solve the problem, then a possible cause of pain could be that your wife is not yet mentally “ready” for an intercourse, or for some reason, she fears it. If this is the case, it does not mean that she is acting or feigning pain. The pain must be real.
So, it would be best to deal with her gently. Give her time, understand her psyche and figure out what is lacking in your relationship, that she is mentally unable to give herself to you physically. Once, again, communication is the key!
Focusing On Your Marital Life
A good wife is indeed a gift from Allah and same goes for a good husband. Ma sha Allah, you are trying to be a good husband. According to hadith,
“The most complete believer in faith is the best in morals, and the best among you is the best to their women.” [Tirmithi]
Read this article to find out about Ahadith and Sunnah of how to cherish your wife the way Prophet Muhammad used to cherish his wives.
May Allah help you both to grow together in Islam and develop a bond that strengths both of you in this world, in Deen and in the Hereafter, InshaAllah.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.