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My Wife Is Disobeying Me!

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Nov 12, 2017

Question

As-salamu alaikum. I am from Bangladesh but now in Saudi Arabia as I'm working here. But my wife is still in Bangladesh with my kid. I rent a flat and I asked her to stay with her parents as she is alone and I'm giving her money every month and sending money to my parents as well. Both sides are blaming me that I'm not sending them enough, but I can’t give more than this amount as my salary is limited. I know that I'm sending them enough. Since our marriage, I have been trying to bring my wife here, but in Saudi there are some regulations due to which I can't bring her. I haven’t given up though. Since I am working here, I went on vacation three times, once for 49 days, one for 29 and last time for 22 days. My company does not give me more than this, but my wife is always blaming me that I'm responsible for that. She wants to take a job in Bangladesh and informed me that once she joined this company, she would be contacted for three years, and even if I got the visa for her, she would not come. She also informed me about the amount of money she would earn by taking bribery. When I told her not to take this job, she did not listen to me but instead asked help from her parents. Actually, her parents are helping her to get this job. She does not obey me. I don't know what I should do. I'm waiting for your kind answer. Thank You.

Counselor

Answer


My Wife Is Disobeying Me!

In this counseling answer:

“You should understand the effect that your absence has on your wife and child. It is a very difficult reality. I see that you have been trying to bring her close, but how about considering going back? I am not sure about the circumstances you live in, but if there is a possibility for you to go back to your country and work, you should consider it.”


As-Salamu ’Alaikum Brother,

I see that you have three different issues here: 1) you feel the money you send is enough, but your parents want more; 2) Your wife complains about the money you send and the time you spend with her; 3) Your wife’s decision to look for an unlawful job. Let’s try to address each one.

Allah says in the Quran in chapter An-Nisaa’ that children should be kind to their parents. Furthermore, the Quran says:

“Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good…” [Quran 4:36]

We all know that pleasing our parents pleases Allah. However, remember that if they ask you to do something that goes against the teachings of the Creator, you have to obey Allah – always.

I believe you are doing your best and you are being sincere. If you know that the money you send to your parents is enough, you don’t have any reason to feel guilty about it. If they feel what you do for them is not enough, increase the nice words towards them, treat them with kindness and respect them and inform them clearly that you only possess a certain amount and you are doing your best. Money is not the only way to please one’s parents. Unfortunately, if they keep complaining, there is not much you can do besides praying and being patient. But don’t feel guilty; you are being a good Muslim son, and Allah knows everything.

The same thing applies to your wife; she has to be grateful that you can provide for her and your child. I understand her feelings about your absence and her desire to spend more time with you, but from what I understood, she knew from the beginning of the marriage that you would be living abroad. Unfortunately, this globalized world does not allow long periods of vacation, and she must understand that.

Another reason you don’t have to feel guilty is that work is necessary and this is your situation. I believe that you are not living far from your family for pleasure; it is to provide a better life for them. Everyone in your family needs to sacrifice. Be patient and most importantly be grateful for what they have. If we are ungrateful beings, it does not matter how much money we have, we will always be unsatisfied.

However, you should understand the effect that your absence has on your wife and child. It is a very difficult reality. I see that you have been trying to bring her close, but how about considering going back? I am not sure about the circumstances you live in, but if there is a possibility for you to go back to your country and work, you should consider it. Be realistic about you getting your family to live with you in Saudi Arabia; is there a REAL possibility to make it?  If you don’t know for sure that they will allow them to come in, think about other options. A couple living apart is not ideal and the marriage connection will suffer.

Regarding the job your wife is considering, bribery leads to corruption and this corrupted money will enter your home and will be used to feed your child. You must use Allah’s word to convince her to make the right choice. If she is a real believer and fears God, she should not consider having an unlawful job. Allah says in the Quran:

“And do not consume one another’s wealth unjustly or send it [in bribery] to the rulers in order that [they might aid] you [to] consume a portion of the wealth of the people in sin, while you know [it is unlawful].” (2:188)

Moreover, `Abdullah bin `Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

“The curse of Allah is upon the one who offers a bribe and the one who takes it.” (Ahamd, Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani)

Accepting this job is not a matter of disobeying you – she is disobeying Allah. The harms caused by bribery are serious. It has bad consequences for your wife and of course for the society. The spread of bribery in a society leads to the destruction of the morals of those who practice it, loss of confidence between them and the spread of bad morals like negligence, indifference, losing a sense of allegiance and belonging amongst other ramifications. Share it with your wife and hopefully, for the sake of Allah and your child, she won’t let herself be corrupted.

In conclusion brother, she can’t accept a job that requires her to give/receive bribes, and she must fear Allah if she does so. May the Divine guide all of us to the right path.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Why in Islam a Wife Has to Obey her Husband?

Why in Islam a Wife Has to Obey her Husband?




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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