Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Relationships go two-way. It needs a lot of effort. For a healthy life, always be honest, loyal, fair and empathetic. You want your wife to love you. Remember, even your wife wants the same. Therefore, communicate, and in sha’ Allah things will become better.”
Dear Brother,
Almost every relationship goes through a tough time. Things, however, get worse because of our mistakes and negligence. Sometimes, people start expecting a lot from their spouse. When these expectations are not met, conflicts arise. In the case of joint family, it requires great care and tact to handle situations and relationships. A wedding night gift, a wife asking something from her husband and going to her parents’ house is common in every house. However, when things go beyond limits, it is time to take an action.
I want you to re-assess your whole situation. For you, your wife is wrong. But have you tried to communicate with her? If she does not smile at you, have you tried asking her what was wrong? It does not matter what her other sisters are doing or what they say to her. If you have a strong bond, no one can separate or instill misunderstandings. The incident of the wedding night disheartened you and series of events continued to create a problem. Did you make her sit and ask her why was she going to her mother every other day? What was lacking at your place that she wanted to go away? It is easy to blame the other person for brainwashing the kids. As a father, what did you do to protect your kids from false talking?
There is a huge communication gap in your relationship. It is peculiar because of the duration you both have spent together. Allah (swt) will surely reward you for putting in efforts to save the relationship by forgiving her at several occasions. But do you even consider the sacrifices and compromises she makes for you and your kids?
My advice is: talk! There is a dire need to communicate. Take her out where there is only the two of you. Maybe you can surprise her with a vacation. Sometimes taking a break is necessary to rejuvenate. Once you are away from the hustle and bustle of the daily life, ask her about the problems she has been facing since the time she got married. Don’t judge her or scream at her if maybe she points at the way she was mistreated by you or by your family. All you need to do is listen. Let her vent it all out. You will be amazed to see what she has to say. There will be many things you would have not even thought of. Maybe all her life she has waited for you to make the first move.
Females often complain that their man specifically did not ask her to come up on the stage for a portrait at a family wedding. In contrast, males often complain that their wife hardly asks for intimacy. In both scenarios, every individual loves the other. They just have different ways to express. There is a difference in expectation. So at the core is understanding. A husband would have never complained about his wife’s behavior if he knew that she is shy to ask about making love. Thus, these are some gender behavior facts that cannot be changed. All it needs is empathy, understanding, and love. Therefore, I recommend you to talk to her. Once you listen to her, open up. She is your wife. Tell her what you have expected from her and how things saddened you. Tell her that your life is in a mess.
One more thing: don’t be direct in such situations. For instance, instead of saying, ‘I don’t want you to go to your mother’s house because your sisters create problems between us’, show some softness and care by saying that you miss her when she is gone. Try to make her realize that she is important to you and so are your kids. Make her understand the current status of your relationship and the compromises and efforts it requires. Say ‘I will take you out for dinners so that we can strengthen our bond. What do you have to offer?’
Dear brother, relationships go two-way. It needs a lot of effort. For a healthy life, always be honest, loyal, fair and empathetic. You want your wife to love you. Remember, even your wife wants the same. If this was not the case, she would not have been with you from the very beginning. Therefore, communicate, and in sha’ Allah things will become better.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.
