In this counseling answer:
It doesn’t matter if she didn’t tell you about her past. What matters is that you are happy together and are improving each other to be a better Muslims every day. Respect her as you have always done and do not decrease your love and care for her.”
As Salaam Aleikom Brother,
We appreciate that you have approached us for advice. I will try my best to answer you, InshAllah.
I can understand how you may be feeling. I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is not nice to know that your spouse has lied to you or kept a secret from you.
Sometimes, it is better to not tell them to confess. It is for the best for everyone.
If you look from her point of view, she must be ashamed of what she did and also afraid to tell you because she thought you would not marry her if she did. It is a very personal and sensitive information to share with someone. She committed a major sin by having a sexual relationship with her fiancée, and her family must be ashamed of it too. They are parents and they would never reveal such a major sin of their daughter to anyone. Parents just want to get their children married to decent people and for them to have a happy and respectful life. Dignity and respect are valued a lot in the Muslim society, and it can be hard for a woman to live a comfortable life if she reveals such a shameful sin.
A study has shown that women are very sensitive to tell about their sexual behavior because they do not want to be labeled ‘loose’ girls or in some cases ‘sluts’. They even don’t tell the truth in the anonymous surveys they do.
It doesn’t mean that your wife has had many sexual partners before marriage, but even one intimate relationship is enough to label her slut in the Muslim society. She is just protecting herself by not telling her sin to anyone, not even you. This is a sin she has committed, and it is between Allah and her. She might have repented and felt really bad for what she did. Inshallah, Allah has forgiven her long time ago. Her past is her past, and what she did was wrong. Your concern should be her present and future, not her past. It seems like you both are happy together, and you should focus on the positive things rather than her mistakes. After all, we are all human beings, and we make mistakes at some point in life. Forgive and forget.
Speaking openly about your sin is haram and it’s a major sin. It is one of the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin seriously and regards it as insignificant and that the sinner is damaging his own reputation and exposing his honor to the slander of others. Islam seeks to put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in the following hadeeth:
“All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).
I think her family and she did the right thing by not telling you about her past. It would just be a major sin and would damage her reputation.
Now that you know the truth about her past, you should not tell her that you do. Keep it a secret and do not talk about it. It will only make her feel bad and ashamed of herself even more. Be her strength, not her weakness. If you cover her sins, Allah will cover your sins too. She was not dishonest with you, she was just protecting her dignity and respect in your eyes, because she cares about herself and you.
It doesn’t matter if she didn’t tell you about her past. What matters is that you are happy together and are improving each other to be a better Muslims every day. Respect her as you have always done and do not decrease your love and care for her.
May Allah keep you both happy together and guide you both on the right path.
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