In this counseling answer:
“Actively address your issues by asking your wife one more time to work towards saving the marriage. Get a paternity test to see if the child is yours and decide whether or not, based on these factors, you want to file for divorce. The sooner you take steps the sooner this will be resolved, in sha’ Allah, one way or another.”
As Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
I am so sad to hear how you are feeling regarding your marriage and your wife. I can imagine that when you both got married, you never expected this. You probably had feelings of great joy and excitement, only for it to be shattered.
From what I understand, she had an affair with a man in London where she worked prior to your marriage. I can imagine brother that it was very devastating when you found out. It must have really hurt your heart. From that point, it appears that she did very little to regain your trust or make efforts to increase your marital closeness. On the other hand, as you were still in your shock and grief over it perhaps you needed more time to accept, forgive and move on. However, it seemed as if things progressed swiftly concerning the unraveling of your marriage.
As you stated, she kept going to her parents and spent little time with you. She returned to her workplace in London (where the guy was). So, it is quite possible that the child is not yours. May Allah forgive me for saying this, but from what you have said regarding her behavior, such as being at her parents all the time, not wanting the baby registered as legally yours, as well as her continued defiance and heartlessness concerning the situation is suspect. I also saw a red flag when you found out about the affair and she asks you if you wanted her to take the “morning after” pill, essentially aborting any pregnancy if there was one. After all this, she did, in fact, find out she was pregnant.
So, please forgive me as I am not clear on the time frame. As you are married one year now and the baby was born just a few months ago, it makes her possible conception date right around the time you were married. I am just surprised that she would suggest the “morning after” pill at that time unless she thought she was pregnant. Again, I may be wrong, Allah forgives me, but insha’Allah this is something to consider as she is trying her best to keep herself and the baby from you.
Brother, as you have suggested marital counseling, charity work, and other ways to save your marriage and she has not responded favorably, I would kindly suggest that you ask her one more time. Although Allah does hate divorce, there are instances wherein it cannot be avoided. It takes two to actively heal a marriage and want it to move forward, not just one. As you stated, you have been traumatized by all of this and rightly so. It will take time as well for you to trust her again even if she does comply with the marriage counseling. A good counselor will be able to help you both through this but again, there are a lot of unknowns here brother as well as a lot of pain put into such period of time. You both are at a point wherein you can only express anger, hatred, and disgust to each other. This obviously is not a good place to be. Yes, there will be worse things around the corner as you said if it is not resolved as soon as possible.
I would kindly suggest that you make istakhara prayer regarding this issue. Ask Allah to show you the truth of all this and guide you to a right decision. I would also suggest that you get a paternity test done to see if she is, in fact, your daughter. Once this is established, you will have rights as a father as well as peace of mind that this is indeed your child.
I also suggest dear brother that you get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with all the trauma you have been through as well as the help you on the path of healing. Should you and your wife divorce, or should the child not be yours, I can imagine your grief and depression will increase. Thus, a referral to a counselor is recommended.
You stated that you wanted a loving wife by your side till you die. Well, that is ideal and what most want, brother. However, for right now, you must deal with this situation. So, actively address it by asking her one more time to work towards saving the marriage. Get a paternity test to see if the child is yours and decide whether or not, based on these factors, you want to file for divorce. The sooner you take steps the sooner this will be resolved, in sha’ Allah, one way or another. In sha’ Allah, may Allah grant you ease. May Allah bless you with a kind, loving wife, whether it is your current wife by the change of heart or if it is someone else.
You deserve to be happy, to be loved, respected and treated with kindness.
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