Answer
Answer:
As-Salaam wa ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Brother,
I am going to summarize your statements to make sure that I understand your situation clearly. Based on your description, you have been married with one son. However, you stated that you are in an unhappy marriage where you are constantly fighting with your wife. You also stated that you have not had a sexual relationship with your wife for 5 years. You are currently having an affair and planning to marry the woman whom you are having the affair with.
You have made two particular statements that are concerning. The first issue is that you have been in a marriage where you have been fighting with your wife for years. Remaining in toxic relationships without searching for solutions or resolutions to the problems will result in the repetitions of these mistakes in your next marriage. I would encourage you to take this time by yourself to reflect on what went wrong in your current marriage. Be honest with yourself as much as possible to reflect on the role you have played in the failure of this relationship regardless of whether you would like to stay in the marriage or not.
I would also advise you to reflect on how the Prophet (saw) treated his wife and on the way you are treating your current wife. Reflection on how these comparisons measure up. Being just and honest with humanity is a requirement and very much a part of being Muslim. Being trustworthy and honest with your wife is an obligation. Your wife has certain rights over you. Reflect on the rights that you are currently not fulfilling in the relationship and reflect on how this ties into the many problems you have had in your relationship.
Marriage in Islam is one of the most serious and life changing commitments that a person can make. Realize the time, the emotional and spiritual energy that you have invested in this relationship and take the time out for yourself to determine if you would like to put in the work and commitment that would be required of the both of you to save your marriage. Pursuing another marriage while there is lingering unfinished business is a self-destructive path to pursue. Considering the fact that you have a son with your current wife, is this the example you would like to set for your son in terms of how to treat women? I would highly advise you to sit down with a local therapist in your area that can mediate reaching a resolution with your wife whether it is to divorce, or work on the marriage and stay together before bringing another woman into your life.
The second most concerning issue that you mentioned is that you have been cheating on your wife. Concerning this issue, I would like to highlight that there are various forms of cheating: emotional, sexual, or any type of familiarity or intimacy that is often only expressed with one’s spouse. This phenomenon often occurs when individuals have not learned to set healthy boundaries with the opposite gender in various situations. Cheating also occurs as the result of an individual seeking an emotional or sexual outlet where the individual does not have this outlet in their current committed relationship.
In regards to this current affair, seriously reflect on your intentions of forming this relationship. Did you start this relationship as another cyclical behavioral characteristic to make your spouse angry or are you genuinely in love with this person and feel you have found someone more compatible to you? Infidelity, it can also be used as a weapon or a form of emotional and psychological abuse against the other partner. Do you find that your resentment towards your wife is actually about looking for a way to seek revenge against her for the things that she may have done to hurt you? Again, reflect and think about what your intentions are regarding this affair.
If you feel that your intentions behind the affair are negative and self-serving, I would encourage you to speak with a therapist or mental health professional that can help you with the pros and cons of ending both relationships. Unfinished business and not dealing with previous emotional baggage while pursuing a new relationship can have negative consequences. I would encourage you to make tawbah (repentance) about your most recent affair, pray istikharah (guidance prayer) in regards to your marriage and the problems associated with it, and take proactive action by seeking counsel of both a therapist and spiritual teacher that can guide you away from continuing down a self-destructive path.
Salam,
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