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My Newly Wife’s Past Bothers Me

15 April, 2017
Q Dear counselor, I am a 30-year-old Muslim man who recently got married to a girl. She is 23 years old. We were engaged for 9 months, and then I married her. It was an arranged marriage (meaning the families were involved). She was interested in marrying me, and she says she got married to me by her own choice.A week after the marriage, she told me that she was in a relationship with another guy during her college days for five years. She used to talk and sometimes go out with the guy, but she told me that she never committed any major sin like fornication during the entire period. I told her that she should have told me this prior to marriage. She said that she didn’t want to start our marriage with a lie.The guy forced her not to get married and threatened her multiple times, but she wanted to get married by the will of her parents. She said that she was under so much stress from the other guy. The guy was forcing her to run away, but she did not want to do so as it would bring bad name to the family.Now I am quite confused: shall I continue my marriage with a girl who was involved with a guy for 5 years? She should have told the truth to me before getting married to me! Please help and advice me from an Islamic perspective as well as from psychological point of view.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

As I am not an Islamic Scholar, I can only advice you from a relationship perspective. However, AboutIslam’s scholar suggests not uncovering what Allah has already chosen to cover for you. If He Most High has covered your past sins, it is not right that you should bring it up to your future spouse. In Islam, we are told that once we repented, we are not to disclose our sins. Perhaps, that is why she did not tell you before marriage, but why she told you a week later, I do not know.  Maybe she got some misguided information from someone who said she has to tell you.

Nonetheless, you are married, and she disclosed something very painful to you – for both of you I am sure. She must have trusted you enough to tell you. Why would you want to divorce her; for the act of uncovering her sin to you, or because she was in a “relationship” before you? This “relationship” by the way sounds like one that abusive towards her: “The guy forced her not to get married and threatened her multiple times,”…that doesn’t sound like fun.

At any rate, dear brother, I do not mean to sound mean, but have you ever sinned? We all do.  No one is perfect. If she repented (which I am sure she did), then it is between her and Allah.  She married you, not him. She is making a life with you, not him. It sounds brother that she was even perhaps afraid of him.

I would suggest dear brother that you accept and love your wife, grow with her in happiness and love, and let Allah be the judge. You married her present and future, not her past. And I am quite sure you will begin to understand that none of us are perfect – there is no such thing. Seeking perfection in a wife, or child or spouse is unrealistic.

Focus on her good qualities and the reasons you chose her and she chose you, and let the past lie dead. There is no sense in destroying lives and hurting others by divorce when she has done nothing wrong to you. I can understand your shock dear brother, but I ask you to try to get past it, pray to Allah for strength to get through this, and enjoy a very blessed and happy marriage.

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You are in our prayers dear brother. Please let us know how you are doing.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.