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My Husband Isn’t a Real Muslim Man

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 09, 2018

Question

I am married to a Middle-Eastern man. I sponsored him to come live here with me in North-America. I lived with him in his country for 4 years and everything was fine. Once he came here, he doesn't want to work, but I have to. I pay for everything and he doesn’t. I have to support him for 3 years because of the sponsorship contract meaning he can’t go on welfare in case I can’t support him. Aren’t we Muslims? It’s not the contract that we need to abide by but the Koran. He asked me if he was entitled to welfare once the 3 years are up. It’s been 2.5 years now. I just looked at him, disgusted to see my husband trying to find ways to get an income without leaving the couch. He saw it on my face and argued. He was gentle the following day, but we argued about something meaningless not even worth it. He treats me like a dog. I hate him. I don’t deserve this from him. He has no ambition in life. He doesn't pursue any job offer. I, unfortunately, have 2 kids with him. I want to divorce. I never married a man; I married a woman. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


My Husband Isn’t a Real Muslim Man

In this counseling answer:

“I believe that certainly, there are reasons which are the basis of your husband’s contemptuous behavior. It is easy to lose motivation and feel worthless when an individual undergoes issues finding a good paying position. Constantly being turned down, rejected, or disregarded really causes feelings of discouragement and demotivation to spike. However, when such events happen, it is essential to keep in mind that nothing happens for the worst. Everything happens by Allah’s will and is bound to happen for the best.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

I am sorry to hear about the issues you are undergoing with your husband right now. I sincerely hope that my answer will help you find a direction. I strongly believe that matters such as divorce should never be undertaken under emotion as emotions block the ability to rationalize.

To start off, I would like you to imagine a beautiful vase. While reading a novel, I came across the knowledge of the Qianlong Vase that originally worth around $53 million. Through bidding, it was sold in London in 2010 for around $70 million. It is a vase with quite a remarkable historical background.

Now, I would like you to imagine that you own it. Next, I would like you to imagine that accidentally it falls and shatters into 25 pieces. What would be your instinctive reaction? To trash it? To donate the 25 pieces? To leave it on the floor? To put back only 10 pieces and leaves the other 15 pieces untouched? Or would you try your utmost to fix it? To restore it? To bring back the happiness it once brought you?

I am quite certain that your choice would be the latter. However, in the case of a vase of such a worthy, it will be quite time-consuming to piece it back together. You will need to make a plan, you will need to gather the needed materials, you will need to seek some help or guidance, etc. Agreed?

Now dear sister, marriage is priceless. The happiness, the blessings, and the calmness that marriage brings about if taken care of properly are boundless. However, unlike our material possessions, we lose sight of the importance of a spiritual and an emotional connection which is brought about by marriage.

Allah says in the Quran regarding marriage:

Among His signs is that He created for you mates from yourselves that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you love and mercy. Verily, in that are signs for a people who give thought. (30:21)

Dear sister, finding peace is not an easy feat. It requires patience. In my opinion, it is far easy to train for a 10k marathon than it is to practice patience in the face of adversity, albeit how easy the adversity may be.

Now, when I mention the above topics, I am not stating that it is absolutely a mistake to seek a divorce. However, I do strongly believe that most of the divorces can be stopped if the spouses are willing to fix the broken vase rather than throw it away.  If you look at statistics, you will see that many of the individuals born between the years of 1930-1950 have a fairly low rate of divorce relative to those individuals born after. The reason? Because those born between the years of the 1930s and 1950s were used to fixing rather than discarding and buying new ones. However, given the advent of technology in this fast-paced twenty-first century, it is easier to discard the “old one” and then bring a “new one”.

Dear sister, I am certain, that if you try a little on your part, on the basis of the fact that Allah loves those who keep strong ties, I am certain that your clean and pure intentions will not render your efforts useless.

I believe that certainly, there are reasons which are the basis of your husband’s contemptuous behavior.

He has lost motivation, drive, and zeal to strive.

It is easy to lose motivation and feel worthless when an individual undergoes issues finding a good paying position. Constantly being turned down, rejected, or disregarded really causes feelings of discouragement and demotivation to spike. However, when such events happen, it is essential to keep in mind that nothing happens for the worst. Everything happens by Allah’s will and is bound to happen for the best.

In the Quran, Allah says,

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)

He is falling off the straight path.

It is also possible that your husband is not getting the constant Islamic reminders that everyone needs to prevent from diverting away from the straight path.

The Prophet Muhammad said,

“A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.” (Sunan Abu Dawud)

This clearly indicates that when we do not have friends who are on the right path, then it is fairly hard for ourselves to remain on the right path as it is human nature to be influenced by what we see around us. Perhaps the company he keeps is similar to the thoughts he shares with you. Perhaps, they are also those who are relying on the welfare and government subsidies rather than working hard.

Allah says in the Quran,

“And that there is not for man except that [good] for which he strives.” (53:39)

This translates to “man will not get anything unless he works hard.”

He was never taught responsibility the right way.

It is quite possible, dear sister, that during his childhood and adolescence he was never taught the value of being responsible.

He is undergoing a mental issue/crisis.

Perhaps he needs to be diagnosed by a psychologist. If you can, try to convince him to seek help from a professional. It would help him as well as your marriage, inshallah.

There are certain steps also you can take to steer him back on track.:

Become a loving, caring, and interested wife

Dear sister, although I am not married, I have heard enough cases of when spouses forget that they are married to each other and lose the love for each other they had prior to their wedding and on their wedding day. You must rekindle this love regardless of the fact that there are many stressors present.

Drop your ego and feed his for time being.

You need to tell your husband that he is the man of the house. I understand that this is a lot depreciative than it sounds, but sometimes faltering is the way to go.

Help him recognize his own potential. Talk about the skills that he has/had that you once appreciated and loved. Remind him of the importance he held in your life and continues to hold.

Visit local mosques and events.

Visiting local mosques and events will help your husband see the good people, the good ways of life, and eventually help him recognize his own potential.

Speak to a friend who can have a profound effect on your husband’s views.

Make plenty of du’aa’ to Allah that he helps his husband become responsible, a good husband and good father for your children.

Although it is human nature to despair and seek ways leading to expressing anger and disgust, we need to overcome this human nature unless we wish things to get out of control.

I sincerely hope that my answer will help you find a solution sooner than later which will provide you with ease in your life.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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