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My Husband Is a Selfish and Childish Man!

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A

Reply Date

Jan 29, 2017

Question

My husband, who lives with his second wife, has never cared for us in a way he should (regarding paying our rent, expenses, clothes, and so on). I have been living off the social assistance of the country I live in. He left us a month ago, and since then he hasn’t contacted us, or asked about his children, or brought us some food or anything.He left us because once when he was visiting us, the children played without sitting beside him and talking to him. Shortly after he came, I received guests; my friend and her children. He knew about this visit as it was an ‘Eid day, and it was normal to expect guests. He told our elder daughter that he would not return, but we took it as a joke. He left acting like a little child.I don’t feel like calling him and asking him why he is acting like this because he is a grown up man, and there is no excuse for such behavior. He wants to be the center of this world and wants everyone to sit beside him and clap to every word he says.Am I sinning in the eyes of Allah because I am no longer willing to run after a man who is not doing his duties as a husband and father? I know that it is said that the man should be pleased with his wife otherwise she won’t enter Jannah (Paradise), but does it apply also in this case? He has never lived with us and supported us. I don’t want to make it very long, but I am just so tired of trying to make things work with someone who is acting like a child and who is very arrogant and rude towards me. If I call him again and ask him to come, the show will repeat itself, and he will feel that he is right to act like that again, knowing that we will run after him again. Thank you for your patience and please advise me. Barak Allahu feekum.

Counselor

Answer


My Husband Is a Selfish and Childish Man!

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh my dear sister,

You are obviously a very pragmatic person, which works very well if everybody knows and assumes their roles. Unfortunately, not everybody does, and not everybody acts their age even though they want to be treated according to their age and their assumed status. There is no wrong in not chasing him; there is no wrong in not wanting to submit yourself under his control, but if all relationships take place accordingly, then not only would there be many more divorces than we have now, but there would be less marriages taking place also. When Allah (swt) tells us as translated:

“And (as for) believing men and the believing women, they are guardians of each; they enjoin good and forbid evil, and keep up prayer, and pay the poor rate…”(9: 71)

This verse does not say the men first, or the women first, but “of each; they enjoin good and forbid evil”. As childish as he seems to be behaving, he is still your husband, and by not contacting him to at least see how he is could also be construed as being childish. One thing for sure, the marriage is not moving in any direction; it is just stagnant, and with stagnation there is dross.

From his point of view, the fact that you have not contacted him to see how he is just adds to the list of neglect he feels rightly or wrongly. Also, he might feel that your only concern is, as you expressed, that he should be “paying our rent, expenses, clothes and so on…” Of course, as a husband, it is one of his responsibilities towards his family to provide them financially, and you must discuss this issue with him. I am only trying to say that maybe this makes him feel that he is nothing more than a bank from which you just withdraw an amount to meet your needs. For some men, this is too much because it means that you do not see him as anything more meaningful to you in your life. It is like reading parts of the Qur’an which suits us like:

“Men are maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient…” (4: 34)

Whilst neglecting:

“… He created mates for you from yourself that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30: 21)

You say you are tired of trying to make it work, but what aspect are you trying to make work? The issue of “chasing after men” is a premarital issue. This is your husband you are speaking of. He might be sulking, but this is what you have to work with that is if you want to maintain your marriage for the benefit of everyone involved. Remember, the time he has to spend with you and his children is limited, so from that perspective he just wanted to make most of the time he has with you and the children. Sometimes, when we find it difficult to understand where somebody else is coming from, it helps a great deal to walk in their shoes.

I also advice you to seek marriage counseling if you feel you are unable to communicate with your husband and discuss the issues which bother you (and him).

May Allah (swt) help you,

***

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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