Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. No doubt, you are going through a very difficult situation in your marriage, I ask Allah (swt) to help you through this.
To summarize your story, you have written that you married your husband through an arranged marriage. After the first night, he expressed to you his disappointment in your appearance. Naturally, you felt hurt, especially at a time in which you expect your husband to be excited to be with you. You chose not to tell anyone about his hurtful words, and it seems like he continues to put you down.
To add to your frustrations, you later find out that your husband is likely addicted to pornography and constantly compares you tto the fake women he sees online. Of course, he denied everything, which only continues to put an obvious strain on your marriage.
Now you want to learn how to handle your emotions when you are around him and forget about all the negative and haram things he is doing in order to “live peacefully.”
Sister, a certain issue needs to be addressed and that is your worth as a human being and your worth as a wife. As a human being, Allah (swt) created us to worship Him (swt) and to build the earth. He (swt) did not create us to be humiliated and to be patient with haram and negative things. Allah (swt) wants us to be strong Muslims who stand up for what is right.
It sounds like your husband is most probably addicted to pornography, and his addiction could have started before he married you. Other than the fact that it is haram, pornography ultimately devalues women and makes them more like a commodity, or an object for play. Therefore, pornography (and possibly his cultural beliefs) could have affected his expectations of what a wife should be, which is different than your expectations. He might believe that it is normal to demean his wife and call her names, but to you, that is unacceptable.
Most of the time, if you are involved in an arranged marriage, you are seldom able to get to know one another. In your case, it seems like you married your husband without knowing him very well and without addressing what you both wanted out of this marriage. This created conflict from the start and it got worse because it was never addressed properly.
Sister, the first thing you need to do is to sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel about your relationship with him. Your goal is to have him empathize with you. You need to have him understand that you feel hurt from his actions and words and that a change needs to take place in order to build your marriage to become stronger and more satisfying. Both of you need to understand each other’s expectations about marriage, and that requires that the both of you sit down together and discuss what you want your marriage to be like.
Based on your question, it seems like your marriage was never ideal. Therefore, I would highly recommend that you and your husband seek help improving your marriage through marriage counseling. A counselor will help the both of you make goals for yourselves to improve your relationship with each other, which will also improve the way you view yourself. This is vital for the both of you.
After the both of you have discussed your expectations and have built a stronger foundation for your marriage, then you can start adding to your foundation by secondly addressing the issue of your husband’s pornography addiction. In order for him to stop his addiction, he has to first admit that he has a problem and needs to seek help for it.
It seems like from the description of your husband that he refuses to admit to you that he is addicted. Let him know that you know that he is addicted based on his actions and continue to let him know how you feel about it. While undergoing marriage counseling, the issue of his addiction will certainly take place, but the foundations of your marriage need to first be built.
After you have tried all options to improve your marriage and to support your husband to overcome his pornography addiction, keep in mind that things might not work out the way you want them to be. That is because at the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own actions and we cannot force a person to change if they do not want to.
At that point, you will face to make a decision on the future of your marriage. But at that time you must know that if you decide to stay married, then you will have to accept your husband the way he is. Choosing this route, however, will be difficult because you will be forced to emotionally live two separate lives in order to cope with the hurt that you have been dealing with from the start.
The choice is yours, and I ask Allah (swt) to give you contentment in whatever you decide. I ask Allah (swt) to give you the courage to make the right decision.
Salam,
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