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In a Miserable Condition: My Husband Just Uses Me

04 November, 2017
Q Salam Alaikum brother. I have been married for 20 years with my cousin. It's a love marriage. My hubby didn't have a proper job and my in-laws couldn't afford to give me anything. (Actually, he hasn't got a good job till now and when I try to convince him to find one; he always behaves with me rudely.) My parents supported me because they have two daughters, and after their death the house will be my property. They gifted me approx. 20 lac Pakistani rupees deposited in a saving account and provided us with a fully furnished house. But I didn't like to have it on a saving account, therefore decided to buy a property. 10 years ago, I bought a flat for 8 lac rupees, but he invested it in business and lost all. Then he invested the remaining money with another friend, which means that all my assets have been blocked. I truly got shocked when I figured out that my husband has stolen my 20 lac jewelry, and he doesn't accept his guilt. He spent that money with his friends, gave some to his mother and siblings. Two years ago, I started to work, and gave my salary to hubby. When suddenly I got know about his theft, all my trust towards him has vanished. Actually, he only uses me, but he does not love me. He didn't care about my health or my house. He was also involved in extra marital affairs and gave out gifts from my assets. Currently, after some quarrels between us, he has started a business for a year, but he still doesn't earn enough. He is a very insecure person, thus, he doesn't let me work in a school, and doesn't allow me to drive my car. I am living in a very miserable condition. My friend and family are aware of this matter. I am thinking about divorce, but I am confused. I want your opinion. Jazak Allahu khair.

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam R,

Your situation looks like a very difficult one in that after being married for 20 years, you are likely to have a hard time emotionally with the question in mind: stay or leave? It is clear that you have not been able to establish healthy boundaries with this man for many years.  Your confusion is likely due to being afraid of the changes that you will face if you divorce.  And a divorce after so many years of marriage would certainly be a very big and scary change.

Have you considered separating and living with your family or a trusted friend, and reclaiming your healthy boundaries?  You and your husband have developed some habitual ways of communicating and relating that have not been fruitful; yet these ways of communication are deeply engrained after many years of repeating cycles. I am sensing that you feel an urge to break those cycles.   Perhaps you can try this and work on yourself to become stronger and to reclaim yourself.  This would stop the cycle, and your husband would be left with himself.   If your husband is a man who has not developed self-confidence, and has also developed a dependency on you without really discovering his own abilities; then he has also not had to be responsible or accountable for his own actions.

I suggest you consider this option with caution.  Some of the traits that you describe are often found in extremely abusive and dangerous men.  If you feel that he will become violent if you attempt this approach, and that you would be put in physical danger, then we should reconsider your plan of action.  Indeed, if there is a cycle of violence, you might have to make a permanent break altogether with the support and protection of your family.  A man should never take his wife’s money or block her accounts.  This is financial abuse.   It is very common to see physical abuse where there is financial abuse.  I am also curious to know how you plan to care for yourself in your old age if your husband squanders all of your resources.

First, stop all attempts to convince your husband of anything.  Stop begging, pleading, teaching, explaining, etc.  He is not going to listen.  He has deeper issues that you cannot really help him with.  Instead of trying to change your husband, focus on getting yourself into a safe situation.  If this action might cause your husband to become insecure enough to want to harm you, then- as I mentioned- separate and live with a family member where you can be protected as you reclaim what you have left of your assets and of your own self.  If you can separate without putting yourself in danger of your husband’s violence, then you might be able to seek family and spiritual counseling, and see if your husband is able to turn himself around.  The sad truth is that your husband will be making a choice; you or his current lifestyle.  If he is addicted to drugs or other bad vices, he might choose them.  Unfortunately, this is becoming very common all over the world.

I am a psychologist, and not a scholar of Islamic Jurisprudence, but from my own studies of Quran, I have not seen any reference to our modern day situation of using powerful intoxicants (drugs), and/or other bad behavior that puts a woman at risk for her safety and welfare. That, unfortunately, does not mean that they do not exist.  I suggest that you also ask our scholars’ opinion in this matter.  As a psychologist, I attempt to offer strategies that minimize the risk of harm, and increase the probability of a best outcome for everyone concerned.  Certainly, “usury” in any form is forbidden according to the Quran.  I feel I can say that safely even without being a scholar of Islam.

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Some other issues come to mind with your particular situation.  We are in a changing world, and these changes are very difficult on our men.  They are losing their identities as men, and indeed, it is becoming ever increasingly difficult for a man to find work that empowers them to support their families.  When we combine a natural masculine energy that is designed by Allah to protect and provide for women; a culture that has defined protection and provision with certain cultural norms such as not driving, or not allowing a woman to work outside the home, and a lack of employment opportunities that offer men enough money to support their families, we will inevitably have serious social upheaval in our homes and communities.

For now, the answer to the immediate “emergency” is to get safe, and develop strategies as we move through this and, if at all possible, find more creative approaches than divorce.  A man does have pride and respect issues that are just as intense and important as a woman’s need to feel loved.  This is why I first suggest stepping back, if you can safely, without divorcing first.  Offer your husband an opportunity to find his own power as a man, in a way that is constructive and productive, rather than hurtful, deceitful, and destructive.   Do this, while not allowing your own ability to care for yourself to be compromised.  After you attempt this approach, if you find that your husband’s behavior is truly that of a man with extremely bad character, then think about if you had ever loved truly such a man. Maybe you were “in love” with an idea of what you hoped for and wanted him to be?  It is possible that you have been “addicted” to being in the marriage, or to a bad man who has a bad character, and that you misunderstood this to be “in love”.

Love in a marriage is a connection that grows into a deeper understanding that eventually grows into strong bond created by shared history while knowing each other’s soul.   Addiction to another person happens when our dependency needs are not met, and we hold on to the hope that a particular person will, eventually, one day meet those needs.  Then this hope is reinforced intermittently, but is never really fulfilled.  We become tricked or manipulated by this person who doesn’t even know he is doing that or why he is doing that due to his own unresolved issues.  The addiction to the person grows stronger because of the intermittent reinforcement of a false hope that this emotional need will be met.  The only way out of this kind of addiction is to identify your needs and seek alternative ways to get your needs of feeling loved, and a sense of belonging, and being in a community met.  You do not have to remarry to become a strong and healthy woman.  In fact, re-marriage is not recommended, at least not for a few years. The person, who is recovering from an addiction to a “user” or “manipulator”, needs to focus on developing a healthy self-image, increasing her self-esteem, reclaiming herself through being with friends, family, and community, and strengthening her boundaries while finding ways to care for herself.  Often women, who find themselves in this kind of relationship, have their own dependency needs that they are working through, which were not resolved because she kept hoping that they would be resolved through the dysfunctional relationship.  By giving yourself an opportunity to grow into the woman that you were meant to be, you also give your husband the space to explore himself who he wants to be.  You will also have an opportunity to learn new and more effective ways to communicate and healthy behaviors that increase the probability of fulfilling relationships with others.  This give you time to unlearn dysfunctional patterns and to replace them with healthy and effective patterns.

This is food for thought.  I cannot give you specific advice as I don’t know your real life situation.  Reflect on the ideas that I presented to you, and please write in again if it might help you to clarify your own thoughts, or if you need some additional feedback as you think through.

Do not forget to pray for guidance, and to listen to that guidance.  You will know that you are on the right track when your heart and mind are in agreement.  If you work on your relationship with Allah, doors will open. Allah will bring you safely to the place where you truly belong, insha’Allah.

Salaam,

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About Maryam Bachmeier
Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant in the areas of mental health, cultural, and relationship issues.