Ads by Muslim Ad Network

"I don't want anyone to think my culture or Islam make men like this, but the truth is that in the Middle-East women face this problem every day."
aaa

Middle-East Problem Threatens Our Marriage

04 July, 2017
Q As-Salamu 'Alaykum. I'm married to a beautiful woman who looks decent; she always tries to dress modestly while we are in public. But it doesn't help when we are in my country. While being abroad, no one disturbs my wife, no one turns his head, no one smiles at her. But when we come it starts. I am crazy from jealousy; I fight with my wife, then I calm down and beg her for forgiveness because I know it's not her fault. She is always in long skirts and t-shirts, but those men behave as they didn't see a woman ever in their lives. I really feel ashamed of my people, especially when my wife's family or her friends come. My wife loves me, and she understands my culture, my tradition, and my religion, but when some women from her family come to visit us and men in my country stares at them, I feel very uncomfortable because they might think we are some cave people, and I don't know how to explain it, and then my wife and me feel shame. If those women or my wife would wear improper clothes, I would understand, but this way I really can't. How can I deal with it? I don't want anyone to think my culture or Islam make men like this, but the truth is that in the Middle-East women face this problem every day. I'm aware of it, but I don't want people to connect it with Islam. I'm getting insane from all this. Please help.

Answer

Attia Zaidi
04 July, 2017

In this counseling answer:

Understand the reasons why men in the Middle East might stare at foreign women and understand that you can’t control other people’s behavior. For the things that bother you, just say that you don’t agree with them and empathize with your wife for having to go through it.

Wa `Alaikum As-Salaam,

Thanks for your question. Your question seems to be a social critique on the way men interact with women, and the way this impacts your personal relationship with your wife. I am assuming that you are from Egypt (from the question) and your wife is not. I know, from experience, that men in the Middle East do stare at “foreign” women. From what I’ve heard, this is for many reasons;

– Western media and the image that western women are loose

– General segregation in the Middle East and men are staring at women because they do not know how to deal with the opposite sex

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

– Staring is not as rude as is custom in some of the Middle Eastern countries as it is in the West

There may be more reasons. I think it would be good for you to try to understand some of these reasons so you can understand the behavior. It seems you feel that you are a representative of the way people behave in your country. It is true that we tend to generalize others based on their affiliations, but it is also important that we understand that people aren’t responsible for the behaviors of others in their home country. What I mean is that your wife and in-laws should be mature enough to understand that you are different from what they see in your home country. If they aren’t and you are feeling embarrassed, this seems to be an issue beyond what you’ve stated.

You also need to understand that you can’t control other people’s behavior, not your wife’s and not the other men in Egypt. Trying to control your wife’s dressing and going out will lead to many problems in your marriage. Ironically, this will also make your behavior similar to the people you are criticizing.

Be yourself; let your wife and family appreciate you for who you are, not where you are from. There are wonderful things to enjoy about your culture and you should enjoy those things and let them enjoy those things too. For the things that bother you, just say that you don’t agree with them and empathize with your wife for having to go through it. Be there to support her and help her navigate the new culture. Fighting with her about things that are bothering you isn’t fair to her or to you.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.