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Mean Wife: I’m a Beggar in My Own House

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Apr 23, 2019

Question

Salaam.

Since my illness, I am no longer able to work; therefore, my wife is in control of all my money, which is OK. However, when I need something, I have to keep asking her to buy for me something. Sometimes, I have to keep reminding her for weeks and months. I recently needed an urgent addition to my computer. I have been waiting for 6 months. Every time I ask her, she gets angry, but when she wants to buy expensive clothes, she just goes shopping. I feel like a beggar in my own house. I prefer not asking, but I feel sad and hurt inside. How can I continue loving a person who treats a sick person like this? I spend most of my day in bed, and I use wheelchair.

Please give me advice. I always make du’aa’ for her that she gets Jannat Firdous, but why am I being treated like a beggar in my own house? It is very difficult for me.

Counselor

Answer


Mean Wife: I’m a Beggar in My Own House

 


In this counseling answer:

• You both must be aware of your thoughts and emotions and deal with them in an appropriate manner.

• Direct, transparent, empathic communication through conversation, openly expressing thoughts and feelings and actively listening to the other person and trying to understand and empathize with the other person’s viewpoint is important.


As-Salamu `Alaikum dear brother,

May Allah give you the patience and strength to endure your illness! Remember that it could be a mercy for you in sha’ Allah here and in the Hereafter, and in sha’ Allah, it will be taking you to higher levels of faith and closeness to Allah.

I can feel how difficult it could be for you to be living with such feelings in your home; however, in sha’ Allah, it will be a temporary issue that will be worked upon and solved by you and your wife.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

You are both going through a difficult trial that is surely causing great emotional pressure on both of you. You are feeling the load and pain of the illness and not being able to work and feel independent. On the other hand, she must feel hurt for you and feel the load of the responsibility she is carrying almost alone. Your wife’s attitude could be a result of the pressure and the difficult circumstances you are going through since your illness.

In such a new and difficult experience, that includes many changes in lifestyle, roles, and responsibilities, both of you live through new types of emotions, thoughts, and attitudes that result from the new situation. If one is to go through such changes and be able to successfully and happily go on with his life and relationships, a person must be aware of his/her thoughts and emotions and deal with them in an appropriate manner, i.e. differentiating between healthy and unhealthy thoughts and emotions and working on changing the unhealthy ones. Hence, the first step in dealing with your situation and your problem with your wife is awareness and acknowledgment of your thoughts and emotions to be able to deal with them.

Another keyword is communication; direct, transparent, empathic communication through conversation, openly expressing thoughts and feelings and actively listening to the other person and trying to understand and empathize with the other person’s viewpoint.


Check out this counseling video:


In many instances, the main source of marriage obstacles is miscommunication and absence of an open channel between the spouses to be able to understand, feel, and empathize with each other. In times, aiming to achieve this level of effective communication and coming out of efficient results could require that one of the two spouses takes this initiative and be more patient and open heart in order to encourage the other party to do the same. This could be your role here. Have you tried talking to her about your feelings and thoughts directly and clearly?

Wait for the time when you feel she is not pressured or busy and seems ready to talk; and, of course, choose the time when you are in a good mood and ready to talk and listen. Tell her that you are in need to sit with her and talk and listen to her. You could even leave her to decide when this time would be suitable.

It is important that in this time in which you sit together, in sha’ Allah, there are no interruptions that could distract the flow of talking and emotions. You could even make this first time just for her to talk and let out all her worries and pressures while you try listening empathically and giving her as much support and appreciation as you can.

This attitude from you could open a door in her heart and make her ready to listen to you, or she might even ask you how you are feeling and what your needs are, in sha’ Allah.

I hope I have been able to provide you with some useful insights. I would appreciate if you told us how things went with your wife.

May Allah make things easy for you.

*** 

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

4 Things You Need to Know about Islamic Finance (IMF)

Must I Have My Husband’s Permission to Spend My Money?

In Huge Debt: Shall I Still Get Married & Have Children?




About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]

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