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Love My Husband Dearly But Can’t Do This Anymore

03 March, 2017
Q As-Salamu Aleikom. I don't know where to start. I have been married for only a couple of months. I love my husband dearly, but I am not sure I can do this any longer. We both live in the UK, but we don't live together; I have a flat near Liverpool, and he rents a room in London. He is just finishing his master’s degree, but he has been looking for a job for over a year; however, he cannot find one in this country, which, not surprisingly, is getting him down.It has now been a month since I have seen him, and it’s literally killing me. All I want is to live with him as real husband and wife! He keeps making excuses as to why he needs to be in London, and I have had enough. We sometimes go 3 days without speaking when he feels I annoyed him. In this year of our marriage, we have spent about 1 month together. This situation is hurting me and upsetting me so much.Quite frankly, I don't know if I want to be married to him as this isn't a marriage. He doesn't support me financially (I have disability benefits); he cannot really support me emotionally as he is over 200 miles away. I am looking for a flat down in London, but it’s so expensive down there, and there are only certain areas where he would live (all of them really expensive). I have asked him to move up here until he finds a job, or we find a flat down there, but he won't do it. I guess I need your advice about what I should do.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salam ‘Alakum Sister,

It is sad to hear about your predicament. You must be very lonely and disappointed. I am wondering why you cannot move in with him in the room where he is currently living or at least go and visit him to be with him more often. Perhaps you could spend another month with him before you make a decision?

For now, I suggest that you don’t pressure him at this point.  We do not know what is going on inside him. If you take a time out, you will be able to tune into both your own heart and into what might be going on with your husband.

It isn’t wise to make decisions while in an emotional state. If you distance yourself from the situation for a while you will be able to give yourself some space and your husband some space so that both of you can sort out the emotional details and become clearer in your mind about what is really happening between the two of you.

For now, focus on getting a sense of who you are in the environment that you are currently in. Reconnect with Allah (swt) and begin a routine for yourself that will help you become “centered”. I might add that the prayers that are a part of the practice of Islam will help you shift your focus from all the chatter in your mind about what you think you want and need to a calmer place where goodness can be ushered into your life.

Also, consider joining a Halaqah. This is a group of sisters in Islam who join together for the purpose of studying Quran and/or about Islam. It is also a nice way to meet sisters and make friends; this will help you with your loneliness.

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If you begin this work, or reconnect with it, you will likely be able to remember some things that have inspired you in the past. This is the perfect time to begin a hobby or a study of your own. Completely shift your focus and let time unfold your situation for you.

Over time, your husband will reveal his true feelings for you either by word or action if you allow that to happen. From the tone of your words, I sense that if you felt as if he truly wanted to be with and loved you, that you would be able to wait for him to graduate and to come up with a plan that will bring the two of you closer together. But he isn’t sharing his heart with you, so you don’t know. This will naturally cause a lot of anxiety for a woman.

This is why I am suggesting that you distance yourself for a while. By finding some activities that you enjoy and taking care of yourself, making sure that you simply enjoy your days without worrying about being with anyone for now, you will make a welcome space for your husband to feel safe in so that he can tell you what is going on with him.

This will also help you prepare for the possibility that he does not want to be with you, in which case, he would likely be willing to grant you a divorce. He doesn’t gain anything from being married to a woman that he doesn’t want to be with.

On the other hand, if he is simply overwhelmed, or he feels inadequate because he cannot provide, or has some other emotional reason for needing distance from you, by giving him this distance, you allow him to get in touch with his own needs and feelings. This will help him come back to you and initiate a discussion about your future together.

If the opportunity arises, you might ask him if you can come to visit him. After you have done this for a few months, and your husband simply does not communicate with you or show absolutely no sign of wanting to be with you, then ask him straightforward if he has any intention of being with you, or if he even wants to be with you.

If he says that he does not, it is better that he grants you a divorce. If he is unwilling to do the work of granting you a proper divorce, you can then talk with your local sheikh and determine if you are able to have a divorce granted to you in these circumstances. If it should come to that, note that I am not a scholar, and I cannot guide you in the actual legal matter of divorce. I am only noting this as a last resort option if this man genuinely does not want to be with you.

For now, keep him in your heart, but move forward with your life and find some other interests to keep you emotionally and psychologically and spiritually balanced while you wait for him to open up to you.

Remember Allah (swt) is our Rabb and your Friend.

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About Maryam Bachmeier
Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant in the areas of mental health, cultural, and relationship issues.