.In this counseling answer:
• You should take time out to reflect on what you have experienced so that you can do your best to put this phase of your life behind you, in sha’ Allah.
• You have to restore and repair your relationship with your parents.
• You have to seek the advice of your family and friends on how to go about handling your current marriage.
Thank you for writing to us. What a challenging situation, indeed, to have been thrust into a marriage at such a young age, and to someone who was not your first choice! We appreciate the frankness with which you are approaching this matter. The following thoughts are intended to help you get some clarity regarding your situation.
First, we want you to think about yourself and how this entire experience has affected you. You should take time out to reflect on what you have experienced so that you can do your best to put this phase of your life behind you, in sha’ Allah. Allah (swt), Most High, knows the pain and suffering you have experienced as a result of what clearly seems to be a marriage of convenience—to help your cousin move from Pakistan to England. Make du`aa’ (supplication) to Allah (swt) seeking His assistance as you come to a decision about what to do.
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Second, you have to restore and repair your relationship with your parents. No matter how “in charge” your mother wants to be, she cannot hold you life hostage. You need to involve your father so that he is aware of all that is going on. In order to do this, you will have to reconnect with your parents, either by regular contact or by actually moving back into their home. They need to be able to see just how dysfunctional your marriage is to your cousin. Your father, especially, needs to know that your whole life is on hold and you are “depressed and confused.”
With enough du`aa’ and clear and frank conversation with your father, we think you can get him to step in and, in sha’ Allah, help to bring some resolution to this matter. It is your father after all who was supposed to be your wali (guardian) when you first got married. If he did not fulfill that role then, make du`aa’ that Allah (swt) bestows mercy in his heart and he resumes his duty as your guardian!
Third, we want to specifically address your mother’s behavior. While she must care for you and want what is best for you, she has not yet proven that she is capable of actually doing what is best for you. Getting you to marry a younger cousin against your own wishes was not in your best interest. In addition, staying with this young man is not in your best interest. While you might not be able to convince your mother of this or get her to change her ways, you should make du`aa’ to Allah (swt) to protect your mother from the black magic of her sister. Continue to maintain a loving relationship with your mother, in sha’ Allah, despite the hardships she has imposed upon you.
Finally, it would have been very easy for us just to say divorce your cousin and move on with your life; however, divorce is among the most despised of the permissible options granted to us by Allah (swt), Most High. We realize that you are not really in a marital relationship; nevertheless, you have to seek the advice of your family and friends on how to go about handling your current marriage. Most likely, those close to you will agree that you should divorce this young man, but you should at least consult them for all the various issues related to your marriage.
You are dealing with a difficult situation, but we are confident that if you make du`aa’ to Allah (swt), in sha’ Allah, He (swt) will not let you down. Turn to Him (swt) and seek His guidance through the Istikharah Prayer (supplication for guidance in making a decision). When you do get a divorce, we suggest strongly that you not immediately rush into another marriage. Take your time, process your feelings, try to put your past behind you, in sha’ Allah.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.