Answer
Answer:
As-Salam `Alaykum Sister,
Indeed, it can be very disheartening and frustrating to be in a marriage when you feel that your needs are not being met appropriately by your husband. I imagine at times this might even make you feel depressed. Yet, the only way for a life to improve is to first accept where you are and what is. This is submission to the will of Allah (swt). Once you have come to a place of acceptance, your heart will be open to the guidance of Allah (swt). If we can come to this place where we are not judging our life, our circumstances, and the people in our lives or ourselves, then possibilities and opportunities will be available and the door of change will be open.
With this said, do not try to change your husband. As you said, you cannot. Only Allah (swt) can change his heart, and his behavior will not change until his heart has changed. The heart directs our focus and intentions. How can we imagine having any control over anyone’s intentions?
Divorce is probably one of the most difficult things to live through. I never recommend it unless you and/or your children are in physical danger. Even then, if you live in a proactive Muslim community, you can live separately until your husband gets help and then divorce is a last resort. Although I also always recommend putting the safety of yourself and your children first, and would not recommend living under the same roof until it is definite that you are going to be safe. Sometimes under such extreme circumstance, requesting divorce is the only way out of danger.
Do not expect your life to get easier because of divorce. It very rarely is. First, try to be less controlling; I mean this in a kind way. We become controlling when we live in fear. The urge to control people, places, and things comes from that fear that things will become chaos if we don’t keep it together. “Let go, Let God”, is a slogan used in the “recovery” Community, and I believe that you can benefit from using it.
The next thing to do is desensitize yourself from the hurtful things your husband says. If you can understand that he has a serious problem, then you will not take what he says so personally. And since you are currently living separately, you can avoid loud arguments. When he says hurtful things, simply tell him you will talk with him when he is feeling better, and disengage from him. Give yourself some space and time to heal and to reflect about all that has transpired.
Don’t imagine that there is some “knight in shining armor” or a “prince” that will rescue you with all the love you have been craving. It just doesn’t work that way. Your thoughts of your previous lover are probably being ignited by that need and hunger to be loved, and I can see how devastating it is to feel unloved by your husband. Usually when a woman feels loved by her husband, she naturally responds to that, and she then feels love in return. This is natural, and your husband is not giving you that love. For now, you will have to learn how to nurture yourself and ask your sisters for comfort, and turn to Allah.
Take some time to contemplate the needs of your child and how you are going to meet them. Take time to focus on getting your own life organized and your spiritual house in order. This should be your focus right now, as you leave the issue of your relationship with your husband to Allah for now and make room for Him to make changes in your life.
Allah (swt) is your sustainer and He (swt) will give you all the love you need, but you must be open to the form in which he provides that love, and feel it. At the end of the day, it is only Allah (swt) that can help us, guide us, love us, and protect us. Our ability to love one another is a direct reflection and expression of our ability to connect to Allah (swt) and accept His love.
Ask yourself what life will really be like if you divorce before you ask your husband to grant you one. Please give yourself at least a few more months of prayer and contemplation, back off from the relationship, take care of yourself, and talk with a Sheikh or Imam for guidance. If you open your heart and mind and spirit to Allah (swt), He (swt) will guide you rightly.
Salams,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.