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I’m Not Attracted to My Wife, Help!



Reply Date

Dec 26, 2017


As-salam alikum, I am a 28-year-old man. I have been married for 5 months now. It was an arranged marriage followed by engagement 6 months prior. As it was an arranged marriage; my mother showed me 2-3 pictures of my future wife. I saw and liked those pictures and agreed. Three weeks later, I saw my future wife on engagement day. I was very happy as she is a religious girl, she is a doctor. My mother gave me a very good feedback about the girl and her family. Just before one month prior to nikah we spoke over phone few times and chatted on WhatsApp, it was initiated by her cousins. Before nikah, I spoke to her over the phone which is wrong according to sharia as she was a non-mahram to me. After nikah only I saw her closely. Few things I assumed about her. In reality, she is average in looks. She is little short(5.1") I assumed 5.4" which was written in her profile which was given to me. I thought she is very beautiful. I feel ashamed to share my problem here, did not share with anyone. I don't really feel attached to her. I mean she does not have an eye-catching feature. It is about five months from our nikah we did not consummate our marriage. We did everything except intercourse. She also observed I do not really feel physically attracted to her. She is of the opinion that I have pressure from my family for this marriage. She also caught me watching other girls on the internet. 1) I really want to keep her happy. I am trying to figure out is this something wrong with me or her? Is that I am trying to discover my beautiful dream girl in her? 2) How do I convince my heart to overshadow her looks to her qualities, skills? 3) When I go out I cannot stop my eyes to stare at beautiful girls. I feel disturbed that why would I have chosen her? 4) I am unable to protect my gaze when I see girls outside. Divorce is not in my mind. I really need an Islamic advice and solution. It's not her mistake too. I truly want to overcome. 5) When I see other girls I think if you could have been with her which is completely unrealistic. I unable to look for my dream girl in her. I know that Islamically, a woman is married for four things. Piety, wealth, lineage, beauty. Best woman is the priest. I am praying Allah(swt) and trying to convince my heart to grow love for her in my heart. Sometimes, I fear that I am not paying attention to her that she required. She always says she loves me a lot. She is very caring and sincere too.




In this counseling answer: 

“Brother, your wife sounds wonderful.  She’s pious, she’s smart (she’s a doctor), she loves you and treats you well, and she seems very patient and compassionate-given the circumstances she is in.  She sounds like many men’s dream girl in fact. Brother, I think you do in fact realize this and are trying to make the best of it. I would kindly suggest that if you do indeed watch porn either from time to time or habitually, that you stop immediately. If I am the wrong lease forgive me.”

As-salam Alaykum brother,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Arranged marriages can turn out very good or they can be disastrous.  In your case, it is somewhere in-between.  As you did not get to sit and talk with her in a halal way, you really did not get a chance to see if you and her had chemistry or were compatible. This is very important brother.

Also, it is not haram to see your future wife or speak with her in person in with others around such as family.  Even the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) advised men to go see a potential wife before marrying to see if there could be a love created.

In a hadith  it states  “Mughirah bin Shubah wanted to marry a woman. The Prophet (Pbuh) said to him: “Go and look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you.” So he did that, and married her, and mentioned how well he got along with her”.

As we can see, there is much wisdom in this advice. As you have already married her brother, I would kindly suggest that you try to make the marriage work and find things in her that you find appealing. You may have to also re-evaluate what qualities in a wife you truly seek for a lifetime marriage.

You stated that she doesn’t have any “eye-catching” features.  Please do remember brother that looks fade with time.  Her’s will and yours will as well.  As you stated she caught you watching “girls on the internet” I am wondering if you are into porn?  Sadly this is a big problem with men.

Porn leads to all kinds of issues-besides it being haram. One issue with porn-or just watching girls-do whatever, is that it creates a false image of what a woman looks like or should look like.  It creates expectations that a woman must meet the criteria of a porn star to be considered beautiful or “eye-catching”.  Crazy huh?  It is so embedded in society, in some men’s minds that no one could possibly live up to a “dream-girl” status because that is all it is-a dream.

Brother, your wife sounds wonderful.  She’s pious, she’s smart (she’s a doctor), she loves you and treats you well, and she seems very patient and compassionate-given the circumstances she is in.  She sounds like many men’s dream girl in fact.

Brother, I think you do in fact realize this and are trying to make the best of it. I would kindly suggest that if you do indeed watch porn either from time to time or habitually, that you stop immediately. If I am the wrong lease forgive me.

Looking at porn not only programs your mind to think and see things a certain way when it comes to women and sex, but it may also render you useless as a lover as your mind is conditioned to fake stimuli that you see on the screen, thus in real life one cannot perform because the actuality of a live person does not match up-ever-with a fantasy.

You may see a more beautiful girl on the streets however maybe her heart is sour or she has some really bad habits.  Would that still be your dream girl?  In the quest for perfection (which does not exist), many lose out on beautiful, solid relationships/marriages because they are addicted to a dream.

I would kindly suggest dear brother that you begin to look at your wife in a new way. If her hair is silky and shiny, focus on that.  If she has a cute nose, pretty teeth, smells good, has nice eyes or soft skin make those features a goal to admire and focus on.

What it is really about brother, is finding the dream in your wife, which may come with your maturing and appreciating her features that you may have over-looked.

Also, look in the mirror-are you a “dream-guy”?  Do you think you are the one she was hoping for?  Or do you have little flaws and imperfections as well?  If so, your wife has found you attractive regardless.  May Allah bless her efforts.

When two people come together for the sake of Allah for marriage, it is said that Allah will put love and mercy between two people. Insha’Allah brother your marriage is new, please do give it time and do your best to make your wife feel desired, attractive and wanted.

While chemistry is needed between two people, it can also sometimes be created with time.  I remember a sister I counseled who was no longer attracted to her husband.  Her situation was a little different than yours but in a way is the same in regards to desire and appeal.

What had happened was she and her husband grew apart over the years and they were nit really familiar with each other anymore, in fact-others looked more appealing.

To make a long story short, when the sister started to get to know her husband again-by going out on dates, sharing interests, learning new things together-she fell in love all over again and she felt her husband was the most attractive man on earth.

Point is, attraction-lasting attraction and desire, is cultivated and maintained.  For example, say perhaps you did get your ”dream girl”,  What if your dream girl got into a car accident and her face was disfigured, would you still love her?

Brother, insha’Allah you will find a new found joy and attraction in your wife once you re-evaluate what it is that you consider truly attractive. If you are watching porn, stop.

Not only is it considered haram but it reduces your ability to function normally with a real woman/wife. If you need help in that area (sexual desire/ability to get an erection) please consult your family physician.

Also, please stop looking at other women with lust as it negatively reflects about you more so, than it does your wife.  Lower your gaze and remember the blessing that Allah gave you in your wife. As you draw closer to your wife insha’Allah, may Allah swt put love, desire and realism in your heart and mercy between the both of you.  Only then will you find your “dream girl”.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Possible Reasons Husband Isn’t Attracted to Wife

I Feel My Husband Doesn’t Desire Me

I Don’t Feel Any Attraction to My Wife


About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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