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I Want My Abusive Husband Out of My Life!

Questioner

I

Reply Date

Sep 20, 2017

Question

As-Salaam 'Alaikom. I am a 23-year-old mother of two lovely boys. I have been married for 6 years. My husband abuses me in all ways to the extent that I ended up hating him so much. I suffer from depression because of what I had to go through. I need advice as I am not a saint myself.Few month ago, we were separated. In that time, he was still abusing me emotionally. He tried to kill himself many times, saying that without me he can’t live. Then I asked him about the kids, and he told me that without me his life meant nothing. He was living with his parents for a while, but then he realized that they didn’t want him to live there anymore. He then left and had nowhere to go. I told him to move back home, but he didn't want.I want him out of my life, but at the same time, I need him to be there for our kids. There are so many things I need advice on, but one thing I would like to know is if my husband ends up killing himself because I do not want him, how does that impact me as a Muslim and as a mother? He tried so many times, but he always made sure I stop him at the right time before playing with my emotions again.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“In cases of domestic violence, the spouses must be separated before attending to the matters of relationship and negotiating an amicable solution. If you or your children are in danger, then please call the authorities in your area and don’t wait for irrevocable damage to occur. On the other hand, your depression will not be as severe if you can accept that he suffers from mental illness and that this is not your fault – it is not his fault either.”


Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,

You mentioned that you have been abused “in all ways”. If this means that you or your children are in physical danger, then you must find a way to leave with your children or to have your husband be removed from your home.

SAFETY FIRST. In cases of domestic violence, the spouses must be separated before attending to the matters of relationship and negotiating an amicable solution. If you or your children are in danger, then please call the authorities in your area and don’t wait for irrevocable damage to occur. You can tell the authorities of the suicidal tendencies of your husband. He is in serious need of help.

With that said, we must also be compassionate and care about the fact that there is a human being who is confused and suffering to the point of actually being suicidal. Your husband cannot function as a healthy man. It is futile to expect him to do so.

Your depression will not be as severe if you can accept that he suffers from mental illness and that this is not your fault – it is not his fault either. It is an illness, and he needs help. This does not dismiss the fact that you need help and support as a mother with children, too. You also need help and support in dealing with a husband who has a mental illness.

Please do not judge yourself for your feelings. These feelings are normal and natural when you do not understand the chaos that you are finding yourself in. You need support. If there is any face to face counseling, please get yourself in to see someone as soon as you can. You may not realize it, but you are now a caregiver to a mentally ill individual, and you need to find some psycho-education as well so that you can understand the nature of your husband’s illness.

Your depression is likely circumstantially induced and is a result of the chronic stress that you have been experiencing. We do know what the circumstances of your husband are serious. For now, you know that your husband might be manipulative, not able to care for himself or for his family, and may be suicidal. This is likely causing financial stress on the family as well. If you are safe living with him under the same roof, then you do not necessarily have to throw him out of the home. That might not help your situation. So, make your decision based on your level of safety.

It is very difficult to live with someone who manipulates us with suicidal threats, and still, we have to take it seriously. If he does commit suicide, this is not your fault regardless of what your behavior is. However, it is best to find out what we can do to help the suicidal person, to develop a support network for himself, and to connect with a therapist who can help.

Thus, your job now is to find counseling for yourself and to learn how to offer your husband some options so that he can develop a support system and learn to talk to people beside you and your family.

In the meantime, find out what your crisis numbers are if you have any. Also, keep your local police numbers available and make easy access to these services at all time in case your husband escalates.

You are not required to feel human love for someone who hurts you. It is best to detach from his bad behaviors and to make sure you do not take them personally or judge yourself by how he disregards you and or your needs and feelings. The help you are offering him at this time is a love that you have for Allah (swt) because he is a human being in need of help. You can separate this from your anger without denying your own need to recover from the hurt that you received from your husband’s bad behavior. It’s ok to have this anger.

It will truly benefit you to get face to face counseling so that you can work through this anger and eventually release it for your own peace of mind.

While you are working on all this, please do not forget to pray. You will heal if you proceed in a step by step manner and take things one day at a time with the help of Allah (swt).

May Allah (swt) help you,

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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