03 January, 2017
Q
Please can you help me, I am having such a dilemma. I met and married my husband 19 years ago. We have three daughters aged 17, 15 and 7. I am a revert to Islam. My husband, although knows a lot about Islam, doesn't pray and I have always felt quite alone in my worship.Two years ago, my husband who was 39, went to a nightclub in Morocco and met a 17 year old prostitute, slept with her that night and then because of his guilt, married her by Fitra (I don't really know what this means or what it consists of, all I know is that he sees it as marriage). I was here in the UK and all this was done behind my back. He came home and told me and I was devastated. Although very firey, our marriage was passionate and he had never been with any other woman since marrying me. I loved him with all my heart and to this day don't understand why he did this. He told me he still loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids. I just couldn't accept this. He told so many lies, sent money to her and gave me nothing, used to talk to her on the phone in front of me and tell her he loves her. I found it really hard to cope.We later went to Morocco as a family and he pushed me to meet this girl and her family. they are very poor and the mother is also supposedly a prostitute (only Allah knows. Once, we got into an argument in front of the girl and the family because I felt they were trying to force me to accept the marriage when I honestly felt it was all wrong. He beat me up in-front of everybody including my children. My husband and the girl then got arrested a few days later when they came out of a nightclub, for being together but not legally married in Morocco.Anyway, he claimed he finished with her as he couldn't stand to lose me and I decided to give him a chance. I always felt he was hiding something, and I really couldn't forgive him although I did try so hard. About 7 weeks ago, I found out he is still with her and that he had lied to me for 2 years, he had been sending her money, sleeping with her when he went to Morocco. he has spent the last 2 'Eids with her, and nothing with myself and the kids. I feel disgusted at the thought of him sleeping with her and then coming to me.It hurts me so deeply, I just can't explain. I have been such a good wife to him. I always loved him even though he has a horrible temper and hit me sometimes. After I found out he was still with her, I asked him to leave -- he is so arrogant and when I start to get angry, he started to get aggressive and frighten me. Anyway he eventually left and went to Morocco. He then told me 2 weeks ago that the girl is 5 months pregnant. This is just too much for me to cope with. What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of hurt?Finally the last straw is that she has been staying with my husband in the house we built together. We bought all the furniture together, and I feel they have completely violated something that was mine. He upsets me when he tells me he made a mistake and by marrying the girl he is pleasing Allah and that it is my duty to accept the situation.I love Allah more than anything, and I feel Allah loves me. Allah always reveals everything bad that my husband has done and does to me. In Islam am I supposed to accept a horrible situation like this and be so miserable with a man who can't even support one wife let alone 2, and he thinks just because I have a job, that he doesn't need to support myself and the kids or am I within my rights to divorce him and move on?I feel nothing but hate and anger towards him. I don't want to see him or talk to him. I don't have a problem with the kids seeing him, and for them to have a relationship with his new baby when it is born. I just don't want to be involved in his life anymore and not think about what he is doing or have to answer to him. I so much want a divorce.His mum and Dad are devastated, and don't want to speak to him. They are very hurt by what he has done, and are very supportive to me. His mum is convinced the girl and her family have done black magic on my husband. My personal opinion is he is not the man he was, but if he is stupid enough to go into a night club and pick up a prostitute in a town where these kind of things happen all the time, then I have no sympathy for him.I feel my husband is trying to emotionally blackmail me by trying to make out that it is me who is destroying the family by not wanting to stay with him. I can't take this dilemma anymore and i beg Allah to end it. I am trying to be patient though and I know Allah is with me. Please can you give me some advice, I need to move on emotionally and in my life.
Answer
Answer:
Salam ‘Aleikom,
You asked, “What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of hurt?” First of all, you must understand that you did nothing to deserve this. As you rightly pointed out, he was the one who made the choice to go into a nightclub and pick up a prostitute in a town “where these kind of things happen all the time”. It was his choice to venture into this situation. He even admits he “made a mistake” and then says he is “pleasing Allah (swt) to marry this girl”. However, when one makes a mistake in Islam, we are instructed to ask for forgiveness, not to cover that mistake with more wrong-doing such as lies, deception, failure to support your first wife and family, and emotional and physical neglect of one’s family among other things.
Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:
“The repentance accepted by Allah is only for those who do wrong in ignorance [or carelessness] and then repent soon after. It is those to whom Allah will turn in forgiveness, and Allah is ever Knowing and Wise.” (4:17)
Your husband has not repented, but has admitted he did something wrong and then has continued his behavior. The results of his choices and his behavior are not your fault.
Additionally, you have a right to decide what is best for you and your children and ask for a more suitable situation. If that more suitable situation is a divorce, then sadly, that is what needs to happen.
The Qur’an says:
“And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah – then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.”(4:129)
Your husband has many duties to you beyond this one, and it sounds like he has forsaken all of them.
Keep in mind that the woman is also making her own choices. She knows that this gentleman is married and yet she chose to sleep with him even before they were considered “legally married” in Morocco.
You should not feel guilty or that you are to blame whatever happens. If it happens that your husband cannot fulfill his duties as a Muslim husband (having a second wife) then you cannot feel it is your fault that you must ask for a divorce.
If your husband is able to repent and divorce the second wife and provide her and her child with a suitable support and discontinue seeing her, you should not feel guilty about her situation either. She chose her path and will most likely find it is not as easy as it first appeared.
Salam,
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