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I Hate The Look of My Fat Husband



Reply Date

Feb 16, 2018


I always knew I was marrying a fat guy, but over the years I just have started despising his looks, his fat structure, the fact that he is always under dressed. I don't feel like going out with him, meeting friends or family because of his looks. Is this attitude justified from a wife's end? I have told him about my feeling so many times, but he doesn't do anything about his weight, and this has turned me into an insecure person because I am always thinking of ways to survive if he dies. His physical appearance started becoming an issue after I found constant lies from his end regarding petty issues to big ones. I just can't trust him, and despite talking about it and promising to make things better they never turn out to be so rather move worst. We don't share bed even now for last two years and try to keep physical interaction as less as possible. What to do in this situation when there is so much hatred for your partner that you actually wish that he could die soon so that you can be your own as I can't think of taking a divorce because of societal pressures.



scale and apple


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for your question. While you state that his weight is a primary concern in your marriage, it seems that there are other deeper issues that are present in your marriage as well.

First, let me address your question as to whether your attitude toward your husband is justified. What you feel is what you feel, and you shouldn’t give anyone power over how you feel. Only you can have that power.

Second, and this is important for you (and many others in a similar position) to understand that it is better not to criticize others’ shortcomings, but rather to reinforce with positive words and actions to achieve any particular goal.

In other words, when you told your husband about his weight, you said it from a critical and “you’re not good enough” perspective. However, it would have been wiser to tell him that you’d like him to live longer, and  therefore, are concerned about his weight.

This leads me to a question for you. You say you’re concerned about him because he may die and then later in your question you say you wish he were dead. Which one is it?

Third, you say you always knew you were marrying a fat guy, but if you knew you didn’t like fat guys, why did you go into the marriage?

Fourth, considering you and your husband haven’t shared the same bed and are keeping your physical interactions to a minimum, I would highly recommend marriage counseling. It seems like trust may be at the source of your marital problems and his weight has only compounded/magnified the problem.

Finally, divorce may be socially unacceptable, but it is better to divorce than live your life miserably just because of fear of what the community may say. You’re married to him, not the community. Your happiness is more important than the gossip of people who probably have little else going on in their lives. After all, if they had productive lives, they wouldn’t worry about your marital status.

I hope to hear from you back if you feel it can help in any way. Please let us know if you still have any questions or concerns.

Good luck to you!


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About Najma M. Adam

Najma M. Adam, Ph.D., L.C.S.W. is the Director of Adam & Associates Counseling Services, Inc. Dr. Adam has many years of experience and has taught at several universities in the Chicagoland area. She actively conducts research and publishes. She received her Ph.D. in Social Work from the University of Illinois at Chicago, Jane Addams College of Social Work and her Master’s Degree from the University of Chicago, School of Social Service Administration.

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