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I Hate My Husband; What Happened to Me?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 19, 2018

Question

For one and a half year, I’ve been feeling that I hate my husband. I don’t love him. I used to love him more than anything. I do not know what’s happening to me. Please, I need help. Thank you!

Counselor

Answer


I Hate My Husband; What Happened to Me?

In this counseling answer:

• Journaling can help us make sense of our thoughts and put them in perspective.

• I would kindly suggest sister that you make a list of all the nice attributes and qualities your husband has and all the nice things he has done for you and what you loved about him in the past.

• If after a month of exploring your feelings sister without a resolve, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you seek counseling from a therapist in your area.


As Salamu Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important concern. As I understand your concerns, you used to love your husband very much, more than anything as you stated. However, for the past year-and-a-half, you feel that you hate your husband and that you don’t love him.

Sorting out Confused Feelings

Sister, I’m not sure how long you been married, or if there have been any changes in your marriage which would cause you to feel this way. I will kindly ask you insha’Allah to evaluate deeply what you are feeling. Making a list and keeping a journal are great ways to sort out our feelings and try to make sense of them. Journaling and list making can often help in situations like this.

Journaling can help us make sense of our thoughts and put them in perspective. It can often lead to the uncovering of unconscious feelings, behaviors, incidences, and past trauma which we are unaware of. It could be that what you are feeling right now towards your husband has nothing to do with him per say but may be linked to something in your past. Try to write in your journal at least once a day.  Re-read it often to self-reflect on what you wrote. Make notes as needed.

I would kindly suggest sister that you make a list of all the nice attributes and qualities your husband has and all the nice things he has done for you and what you loved about him in the past. Make another list insha’Allah, of the reasons that you feel that you hate him and don’t love him anymore. Write down any little details such as the way he talks, maybe coming home late, a lack of passion, etc.

Below the list regarding the negative feelings, I would ask you to write down why this would bother you. Some items may be obvious such as if he talks mean to you, that would obviously hurt your feelings. Some things may not be so obvious such as certain words he uses. Think about these things and see if you can connect them to anything in your past that has a negative connotation.


Check out this counseling video:


Also, examine your past for any history of abuse or trauma that maybe subconsciously contributing to your feelings for your husband. Often times we may feel one way about a person for no reason. We do not know why.  However, if trauma has occurred in the past, little things about a person or their mannerisms may subconsciously remind us of something bad that happened to us before. We may not even realize this is happening. While this may not be the case for you,  I did mention it to you so can rule out any interference from the past.

Expression & Healing

Moving forward, if there was no traumatic events in your past and this is currently just a feeling that you’ve developed for him, please do continue with the journaling and the lists in order to release and insha’Allah resolve what you are feeling. Be sure to notate any changes that have occurred in the household and between you and your husband and analyze it to determine if that could be a contributing factor to your feelings.

Write an expressive letter to him (but please, do NOT give it to him). In the letter, tell him about all the things you once loved and still love about him. In the letter, talk about the past year, and how your feelings have changed and why you think they have changed. I know you stated you do not know why sister, but often times when we begin journaling and letter writing as self-discovery, things do come to mind.  When writing in your journal and the letter, just let your feelings flow onto the paper freely.

Seeking Counseling 

I would kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah you keep these journals, lists, and letter in a place where he will not discover them for sure it would hurt him deeply.  This is about you understanding what you are feeling. It is not about hurting your husband. If after a month of exploring your feelings sister without a resolve, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you seek counseling from a therapist in your area. It could be that you are experiencing depression, a personality change or other mental health issue that may be causing you to feel this way.  Abrupt changes in the way we feel for no apparent reason should be checked out by a professional if we cannot resolve our feelings ourselves.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Salaam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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