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I Hate Everything about My Husband

Questioner

F

Reply Date

Dec 16, 2017

Question

Salam. I'm having problems with my marriage. First, it started when I realized I'm at a risk of having a baby with sickle cell anemia, and subsequently, I’ve started developing so much hatred for my husband which gets worse day by day. I don't want to see him around me anymore, I hate everything about him so much now to the extent that I am thinking of divorce, but he has refused it and I don't know what to do. I have tried to be more patient because of our child but I just can't. What should I do? Please help me!

Counselor

Answer


I Hate Everything about My Husband

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

It seems from your letter that you are going through a lot of negative feelings and that you believe they are caused by your husband. Such negative feelings are growing to the extent that you feel you can no more live with your husband. However, let me tell you that from your letter it is not clear what your husband does that makes you hate him to that extent. The only thing you mentioned is the risk of having children with sickle cell anemia; and this is not clear either how it is a reason for hating your husband. Is it that you feel your husband is the one responsible for transferring this disease to your baby when you conceive?

Honestly, I don’t have a background about this disease and how it is transferred to children. However, even if the husband is the reason for this disease, it is not his fault that Allah created him this way. I know that you might be aware of this and that you know it is not his fault, but you still cannot stop yourself hating him. We have to clarify here that this might be some sort of anger inside you towards the fact that you might have children with this disease and that you are pouring this anger onto your husband without having a rational justification for hating him.

Sometimes, people are not in good terms with themselves and have some negative feelings toward themselves, but they are not aware of these feelings and hence they direct them toward other people. I am trying to highlight some options for you to ponder about and see what could be the reason for hating your husband to that extent and to be able to work on the solution for your situation, in sha’ Allah.

The work you have to do now is trying to work on analyzing this feeling you have toward your husband since you got to know about the disease and try to know what this feeling really is; is it anger due to the disease, or is it hatred due to your husband, or is it another negative feeling that you have to trace and solve with yourself?

This is not to say that there might not be other problems in your relationship that need to be addressed, but it is not clear from your letter, therefore I will not be able to address this here.

Through working on your feelings and trying to accurately know what they really are and searching for their real source, try to answer the question of whether there are things that you like about your husband, if there are moments in your marriage when you were happy with him or at least ok with him, and write those things down.

I advise you to see a psychotherapist or a marriage counselor in order to help you solve out all the hidden issues inside you that could be leading to such anger and hatred toward your husband.  She will also help you in sha’ Allah solve out any issues that could be causing this block in your relationship.

You will in sha’ Allah benefit a lot from seeking professional help as it will give you a step by step guidance through your work on your thoughts and emotions. It will provide you with the support of someone who is understanding and aims to help you.

I encourage you to write back to us and tell us what your marriage has been up to and whether you need any further assistance or guidance.

May Allah help you,

***

 

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]

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