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I Doubt That She Loves Me

Questioner

D

Reply Date

Dec 09, 2017

Question

I got married seven years ago and now I am a father of three daughters. It was a love marriage as my wife was my class mate. After the nikah, I used to talk with her very frequently on the telephone. During that period, I came to know that she had had a very close friendship with the cousin of her mother who was a very important family member to my in-laws. She talked with him via the phone for a very long time almost on a daily basis. She claimed that he was only his uncle and nothing else. Once he also took her from her office in order to teach her how to drive while his wife was out of the city (before our marriage). All these things formed a doubt in my mind. After marriage I asked her not to have any contact with him. She agreed and also swore on our daughter and the Qur’an that in the last seven years she did not have any contact with that person. However, I have doubts. I daily check the telephone numbers on our phone set. I also doubt because maybe she has a mobile set that she is hiding from me. I have not found any evidence yet. She is very kind to me and there is no problem between us except this doubt. We love each other very much, but this doubt has taken away my peace of my mind. I am in hell. I am suspicious about what kind of relationship she had with that person as she did not bleed on the first night. She swore on the Qur’an that no other person had ever touched her. Please help me as this doubt has spoiled our life and the normal life of our daughters.

Counselor

Answer


I Doubt That She Loves Me

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,

Thank you for writing us with your concerns. This is not the first time we receive a question of this nature. Like the previous ones, your question also deals with having problems of trusting one’s spouse due to some unsettling past events. Let me start by saying that if my wife judged me by my history, there would be no way we would be married! I guess, for that matter, the same could be said about many of the Prophet’s (SAW) Companions who, prior to embracing Islam, engaged in some of the most heinous acts human beings could commit such as infanticide and killing. When those beautiful souls such as ‘Umar (ra) and others expressed their desire to embrace Islam, Rasulullah (SAW) never said: “Well, OK, but how can I trust that you will be a REAL Muslim, given your history?”

Brother, the lack of trust you have with your wife is actually an indicator of your inability to trust Allah (SWT). As you have said, despite all of your investigative work checking phone numbers and looking for ‘evidence’ of your wife’s inappropriate behavior, you still do not trust that she is sincere. All of this is due to a little lie she told you before you were even married.

The only hell that is going on is the one you are creating for yourself. Rather than spending your time being in love with your wife and trying to make her the happiest woman on earth, you are wasting your time playing detective and going around trying to gather evidence that she is up to no good. This is a perfect example of what we call “shooting ourselves in the foot”. You even said that your marriage was wonderful, and you had a great relationship with your wife, except for this one thing. So:

Why do you waste your time and precious energy creating problems?

Why do you give into those whispers from you-know-who to make a good situation bad?

Enjoy the marital bliss that Allah has blessed you with and put your trust in Allah. If your wife is happy and in love with you, why would she want to have dealings with another man, jeopardizing the life Allah has given her?

Like everything else in life, a husband will be judged and scrutinized by Allah. It is indeed sinful to accuse your wife of something that she has not done. By doing so, you will certainly earn Allah’s wrath sooner or later. Thus, I strongly urge you to stop this behavior of snooping in on her affairs trying to dig up evidence that she is committing wrongdoing. Allah loves those who put their trust in Him. Put your doubts aside, realize that they are the tricks of Shaytan, and allow Allah’s love to protect your marriage by trusting each other – thus trusting Allah. Your wife will only start lying to you and sneaking around with other men if you make her life so miserable that she feels the need to do so. If you keep up this behavior of trying to accuse her of things she is not doing, then you might just succeed in creating the very same situation you are so afraid of!

As for your doubts about your wife’s not bleeding on your marriage night, it is not uncommon for virgin women to not bleed on their marriage night. That is certainly not reason enough to not trust her truthfulness and sincerity. Be the best husband you can be for Allah’s sake, trust in Him and what He has given you, and trust your wife’s word. A marriage is built on trust. If either spouse loses that trust in the other, hell awaits. It’s that simple. A loving marriage cannot exist unless trust is its bedrock.

So, my advice to you is to stop all this nonsense about going around looking for reasons not to trust your wife and start trusting Allah by trusting her and what she says. Do your best to be the best husband you can be and stop trying to create hell where heaven exists.

May Allah help you,

***

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About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

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