Thank you for writing us with your concerns. This is not the first time we receive a question of this nature. Like the previous ones, your question also deals with having problems of trusting one’s spouse due to some unsettling past events. Let me start by saying that if my wife judged me by my history, there would be no way we would be married! I guess, for that matter, the same could be said about many of the Prophet’s (SAW) Companions who, prior to embracing Islam, engaged in some of the most heinous acts human beings could commit such as infanticide and killing. When those beautiful souls such as ‘Umar (ra) and others expressed their desire to embrace Islam, Rasulullah (SAW) never said: “Well, OK, but how can I trust that you will be a REAL Muslim, given your history?”
Brother, the lack of trust you have with your wife is actually an indicator of your inability to trust Allah (SWT). As you have said, despite all of your investigative work checking phone numbers and looking for ‘evidence’ of your wife’s inappropriate behavior, you still do not trust that she is sincere. All of this is due to a little lie she told you before you were even married.
The only hell that is going on is the one you are creating for yourself. Rather than spending your time being in love with your wife and trying to make her the happiest woman on earth, you are wasting your time playing detective and going around trying to gather evidence that she is up to no good. This is a perfect example of what we call “shooting ourselves in the foot”. You even said that your marriage was wonderful, and you had a great relationship with your wife, except for this one thing. So:
Why do you waste your time and precious energy creating problems?
Why do you give into those whispers from you-know-who to make a good situation bad?
Enjoy the marital bliss that Allah has blessed you with and put your trust in Allah. If your wife is happy and in love with you, why would she want to have dealings with another man, jeopardizing the life Allah has given her?
Like everything else in life, a husband will be judged and scrutinized by Allah. It is indeed sinful to accuse your wife of something that she has not done. By doing so, you will certainly earn Allah’s wrath sooner or later. Thus, I strongly urge you to stop this behavior of snooping in on her affairs trying to dig up evidence that she is committing wrongdoing. Allah loves those who put their trust in Him. Put your doubts aside, realize that they are the tricks of Shaytan, and allow Allah’s love to protect your marriage by trusting each other – thus trusting Allah. Your wife will only start lying to you and sneaking around with other men if you make her life so miserable that she feels the need to do so. If you keep up this behavior of trying to accuse her of things she is not doing, then you might just succeed in creating the very same situation you are so afraid of!
As for your doubts about your wife’s not bleeding on your marriage night, it is not uncommon for virgin women to not bleed on their marriage night. That is certainly not reason enough to not trust her truthfulness and sincerity. Be the best husband you can be for Allah’s sake, trust in Him and what He has given you, and trust your wife’s word. A marriage is built on trust. If either spouse loses that trust in the other, hell awaits. It’s that simple. A loving marriage cannot exist unless trust is its bedrock.
So, my advice to you is to stop all this nonsense about going around looking for reasons not to trust your wife and start trusting Allah by trusting her and what she says. Do your best to be the best husband you can be and stop trying to create hell where heaven exists.
May Allah help you,
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