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I Don’t Want to Marry Again; I Don’t Trust Men

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 16, 2018

Question

My husband and I got divorced because we did not understand each other. I did not have a good relationship with his family either. Since then, I feel I don't trust any men. I don't want to receive any proposal. What should I do? Please guide me!

Counselor

Answer


I Don't Want to Marry Again; I Don't Trust Men

In this counseling answer:

• Make sure you go through the process of finding a spouse in the correct way, according to Islamic principles.

• You can learn from any mistakes that were made in your precious marriage and make things right from the start.


As-Salamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh sister,

If I understand your question correctly, you are saying that you didn’t have a good relationship with your husband or his family. Because of this, you got divorced. Since then, due to this negative experience, you are having a hard time trusting any man and, therefore, have not accepted any further proposals.

Trust is a very important aspect of a marriage. Certainly, if your trust has been betrayed previously then it is normal to have a hard time trusting anyone again. There are, however, some things you can do to try and make this task easier. As you know marriage is prescribed for a number of positive reasons, as a support and protection to both parties. So it’s important to begin by focusing on these reasons as described by Allah (swt). You have had a negative experience previously, but it is entirely possible to go on and have a positive experience of marriage as it should be according to Islam. It may, however, take more time and more patience as you learn to overcome your issue of trusting others.

The first thing you can do to ensure that you enter a marriage where trust is present is to make sure you go through the process of finding a spouse in the correct way, according to Islamic principles. Meet with your proposals in the presence of your mahram and get to know him. This will give you a good idea of his character.

However, understandably, this is not always enough to be sure that someone is trustworthy. Your mahram should also talk with him as well to get a well-balanced view of him that is not tainted by your previous issues with trust. It may be that you get others to talk with him too so that you can get multiple opinions on him. As well as this, you can seek to get references from various sources and people who are close to him and have known him for longer. They will be able to provide you with comprehensive details of his history that will put you in a better position to know if he is trustworthy from even before entering marriage.

If it looks positive then you could continue to meet him several times with your mahram to be sure that his character is enduring and not just a one-off to impress you at the first meeting. Having this comprehensive knowledge of him from multiple perspectives will help you to feel more comfortable and confident that you are entering a marriage with a man you can trust. You might also meet his family during this time to be sure he comes from a good family whom you will get on well.

Before getting married, make istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to guide you to make the right decision to select a spouse who is good for you.


Check out this counseling video:


Once you finally make the step of getting married, building trust in the relationship will be an ongoing process. If established right from the start, it can be a positive and enjoyable experience.

You can learn from any mistakes that were made in your precious marriage and make things right from the start. Being open from the start of your relationship and enjoying things together is a good means to build trust.

Furthermore, engaging in worship together can be a means to this also. Praying together, reading together and learning about Islam together will strengthen the love for Allah (swt). When you see a man who loves Allah (swt) and fears Allah (swt), you can be confident that you can trust him that he will not do anything that will be displeasing to Allah (swt).

May Allah (swt) ease your concerns and grant a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Do NOT Want to Get Married or Have Kids!

A Muslim Woman Shares Her Experience after Divorce

Why Are People Getting Divorced Quickly Nowadays?




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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