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Husband’s Past Poisons Our Marriage

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Apr 24, 2018

Question

I got married 3 years ago. It was an arranged marriage. My husband is pretty helpful and we were doing fine. However, during my pregnancy, I found out that he had had past relationships.

Not only one, but many, and he even had sex with them. I myself have NEVER had one and wanted a husband who was also a virgin. Is it wrong if a person doesn’t tell before marriage that he had sex previously?

I really regret getting married to such a person. I had tons of opportunities, but have never done anything; I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone of the opposite sex, and I always wanted a husband like myself.

Day by day, I feel like I hate him more. Whenever he says something nice to me, for me it’s like „oh, you already said this to one of your girlfriends”. I do not trust my husband AT ALL and we fight all the time. I think he loves me, but I can not love him although I do care about him as I am now used to him after living together for almost 3 years. My headache is getting worse day by day.

Shouldn't love increase between a married couple? I feel like I dislike him more and more no matter what he does. I do not even think he is the problem anymore. I am very annoyed all the time. I really wish I was told before marriage that he had a past as I would not have married him. I feel like crying all the time and I really want to love him, but I do not have respect for him. I've come to the point where I do not even care whether he now dates other girls even though we are married. Is there a dua for a situation like this? I want this marriage to last until death, but I am getting more and more disturbed. Even my husband has noticed that I am annoyed all the time and get angry at him easily. I want to make it work, please help!

Counselor

Answer


Husband’s Past Poisons Our Marriage

In this counseling answer:

• People should only reveal their current struggles if these are still in their lives

• It is not fair for you to blame him for his life before you.

• What ultimately matters is who we are today and what our vision and desires are for who we want to be in the future.


As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum sister,

It is understandable that you feel shocked and hurt after learning that your husband had previous relationships. I will do my best to unpack your questions and main concerns.

Before marriage, both people are encouraged to be honest and transparent about their personality, needs, and goals. Yet, this is not the same thing as revealing one’s past. Most people will not tell their past mistakes voluntarily, nor are they obliged to, unless it has direct or potential harm to the person they marry (such as a disease, debt, mental illness, etc.) People should only reveal their current struggles if these are still in their lives (such as alcoholism, anger issues, etc.

If you did not ask him whether he had previous relationships, then he did not do anything wrong, unless he actually told you otherwise. If this is true, then he was being dishonest. But if he has corrected his ways and is no longer in contact with these women, nor does he struggle to commit to you today, then you need to think about that.

You also had the right to ask him whether he was a virgin if it was a deal breaker for you; yet, it sounds you assumed he was a virgin and only later found out he was not. This is important because the man you met three years ago seemed good enough for you even though you had no knowledge of his past. Many people are good today who made mistakes in the past. In fact, often it is our mistakes which make us good people because we learn and become inspired to be better.

Now that you know you feel regretful, and you are likely creating your own mental blocks to acknowledge that he is still a good man, according to you. It is not fair for you to blame him for his life before you. If you continue to distrust him, with no evidence that he has been cheating on you, then you are creating the negativity and distrust in your own mind.

Love can grow over the years only if the two partners nurture it properly, and right now you do not feel love because of the meaning you make of his past relationships. You are having a difficult time letting go of the idea that he had a life before you and that you are not the only woman he has felt feelings for. You are blocking yourself from receiving his love today because you assume he already said or did those things with the other women.

It is understandable that you feel hurt, but if your husband is currently a good man and has done nothing to make you doubt his commitment during the marriage, you are responsible for your suffering, not him. What ultimately matters is who we are today and what our vision and desires are for who we want to be in the future. This is how you can keep your marriage growing.

Remember, all the companions of the Prophet (saw) were converts and had past lives! Some of which were filled with many mistakes and sins; yet, they became the best of people. Thus, I leave you to think about whether you would have rejected Umar ibn al Khattab (ra) or Khalid ibn al Walid (ra) if they had past lives you did not like even though they became who they became!

May Allah (swt) help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Is It True that Accepting Islam Wipes All Past Sins?

Telling Past Sins to Husband: Necessary?

Will Allah Ask Us About Sins We Repented From?




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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