Answer
Answer:
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your challenging situation.
To clarify, how did you marry someone that did not want to have a family while you are someone that adores kids? How did this happen? Having children is a topic that should be discussed before any marriage takes place. This may suggest that
- You two did not talk about this before marriage
- You did and he agreed to have kids then changed his mind
- He told you he did not want to have children, yet you married him anyways thinking he might change
All three of these conclusions suggest there was poor communication or dishonesty before and after the marriage.
Regarding your second issue: “The second issue that scares me is that due to this above reason, my husband makes sure he does not have intercourse with me. This means that he usually makes me make him reach orgasm “manually”. I have never reached orgasm with him.”
This is a highly uncommon situation to be in. Let us assume your husband is against children, why would that stop him from having sexual relations with you? There are plenty of contraceptives that can prevent pregnancy. I think he is using the “no kids allowed” as an excuse to avoid having sex with you. Clearly, he still enjoys orgasms and expects you to “manually” relieve him.
Questions/suggestions that came up for me are:
- Was this an arranged marriage? If so, he may not be attracted to you and married you out of family pressure or cultural customs.
- He is worried about providing for his family and children; hence, he wants to avoid having sex. This is a matter of (a) faith in Allah (swt) and (b) practical planning with income in addition to (c) a lack of knowledge of contraceptives.
- He is struggling with same sex attraction or he is in love with someone else.
- He is disgusted with the female body; possibly he has sexual aversion disorder which would require treatment with a clinician.
- He is extremely selfish and inconsiderate of your needs and this pattern will lead to contempt and resentment over time for you.
As a result, you have been masturbating, which is understandable because your husband is not meeting your sexual needs. I personally do not think you should feel horrible about this. You are in a difficult and oppressive situation and Allah (swt) is Most Merciful and Compassionate.
“And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran 4:106)
Do not stop your prayer because of this. These ideas come from Satan who wants to drive you to despair. Even if you masturbate, you have the right to perform your prayers and you should pray. This act is not an excuse to feel “horrid” and leave the prayer. This type of thinking is destructive as the human being is created to make mistakes, and prayer is meant to recharge/forgive us of those mistakes. You are not meant to be perfect and you never will be. In fact, this is the point of the human spiritual journey – to fall short so that we can grow and evolve.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” (Muslim)
“Here you are – those invited to spend in the cause of Allah – but among you are those who withhold [out of greed]. And whoever withholds only withholds [benefit] from himself; and Allah is the Free of need, while you are the needy. And if you turn away, He will replace you with another people; then they will not be the likes of you.” (Quran 47:38)
“Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran 25:70)
You mentioned that when you try to speak with him he is unresponsive and tells you not to “eat his head.” It is difficult when a partner is closed to hearing feedback and wanting to improve. You should know that you have grounds for divorce if this pattern continues with him. Additionally, in case of a divorce, your primary concern should not be how your husband will look in the eyes of his son. Your husband’s image in front of his son is up to him and is dependent on his own actions and efforts as a man, father, and husband.
I recommend the following steps to take:
- Depending on your family and culture, get the family involved to help resolve these issues. Sometimes, when others are aware and want what is best for you two, the couple is directed and pressured to put forth “real effort” and stop avoiding the issues.
- If feasible, begin speaking with a counselor in your area to address these issues in a professional and sequential manner.
- If the first two do not occur: offer your husband a time frame to decide if he wants to stay married. He must take action and be sincere and humble in his efforts. Additionally, you must offer him that you are open to discuss how you can help and what changes you are willing to make. This could be three month duration of last attempts to gently communicate that this will not work for you.
- If he does not want to talk, maybe you can write him a one-page letter describing your feelings and concerns and what you think you two can do together to improve. If he does not want to spend five minutes reading this letter, then I doubt he wants to really improve and spend the rest of his life with you. If someone really cares, he will make caring efforts.
- If nothing changes, the most likely conclusion is that the marriage is unsustainable for the long term and you should consider moving forward and ensuring that the next person you marry understands your needs and you understand theirs before any marriage ceremony takes place.
God (swt) bless you on this journey!
Salam,
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