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Husband Studies in Another Country; I Feel Lonely

23 February, 2017
Q Salam Aleikom. I find your website very helpful. I am from a remote country. I am married and a mother now. My husband studies abroad. Both of us are in our early twenties and we have been married for 2 years and a half now. He started his studies before we got married; we meet once a year, his vacation is for about 3 months. So, we mostly contacts through internet, usually on chatting and SMS. Being away for long has started causing some problems. I do not doubt his loyalty and his love for me, Al hamdhu lillah. When we are together, we do not have any problems or conflicts. He is very caring. But when he is gone, I feel very lonely and want to chat daily, but chatting is becoming boring for him. Sometimes, he is very busy, and when he is free, I might be busy as I am mother to a 6 month baby now. Before we could talk about anything, we were very close, but now I feel we are not close anymore. Because of all this, I am depressed. I can’t tell these things to my family because everyone thinks we are very happy. And I am becoming little annoying for him. I want someone to advise me how we can become as we were before. Jazaakumullahu khairan.

Answer

Answer:

Dear sister,

Technology is making the world smaller and smaller in the sense that individuals from all over the world are able to communicate at various hours of the day via email, text, cell phone, Skype, Facebook, etc. Unfortunately, individuals who spend most of their time communicating in cyberspace often struggle to communicate with their partners in real life and in person.

You highlighted several factors contributing to the concerns you have about your husband being far away and the current status of your relationship. You stated that you have been in a marriage for the past two years with your husband studying abroad. Your husband was in school before you got married and he is currently still in school. Your husband comes to see you once a year and you communicate mostly through the internet. You now have a six month old, and it is my understanding based on your description that your husband is the father of your child.

My first concern is that most of your communication with your husband has been via the internet. Although the internet is a great place to maintain relationships with loved ones that are far away, I would not recommend this be used as a form of permanent communication or using the internet to communicate long term in a marriage for several reasons.

The first reason is that you are still getting to know your spouse and when you are not physically living with the person, you will not have the opportunity to fully learn about the other person’s nuances, likes, dislikes, habits, and lifestyle.

My second concern is that you are now raising your husband’s and your child of 6 months alone with no emotional support. You mentioned that this is also preventing you from spending time talking to your husband. I’m wondering if the fact that he is not present to emotionally and psychologically support you and your new addition also contributes to the added strain in the marriage.

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I would highly recommend moving to the area where your husband currently lives, if you have the opportunity, in an effort to begin really experiencing married life and to take your relationship back into reality and away from cyber space.

Also, your 6 month old needs not just the emotional support of a mother. Having the emotional support and love from one’s father is incredibly salient in a child’s development as well. If you are not able to move, and if he is not able to move closer to where you are currently living with your child, then I would suggest increasing the number of visits for longer periods if this is something that is financially feasible.

I hope that this information is helpful. Best wishes for your journey of negotiating your relationship.

Salam,

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About Sakeena Abdulraheem
Sakeena Abdulraheemholds an MA in Social studies with a concentration in Islamic studies from the Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences. She is currently completing her M.A.in counseling psychology with a concentration in trauma counseling. She has extensive experience working as a teacher, mentor, and consultant.