I just got a job because previously I was in a bad marriage. Everything was taken from me, even my children through divorce.
I had been searching for work but could not find it until now. I do not have a lot of material things and it bothers me because my new husband thinks that I should have money to travel and do other things.
I feel bad having been through trials in my life. I sometimes feel that my life is full of failures.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- I kindly encourage you to embrace where you are now in life despite what your husband says and love yourself.
- I kindly suggest that in sha’ Allah you define what “accomplish” means for you and make a list of the things you would like to accomplish.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. It is sad that your husband thinks you are not accomplished in life. While you listed traumatic events and conditions (bad marriage, children were taken) which may have delayed your accomplishing all that you may have wished to, by no means are your accomplishments limited to a defined set of criteria.
I am sure if you took the time and analyzed your life, you will find many great accomplishments which you have achieved. For example, helping a parent, volunteering for a charity, caring for children, even surviving a bad marriage is an accomplishment.
Re evaluate life
I kindly suggest, dear sister, that you reevaluate your life from a different perspective. In sha’ Allah, try to look at your life from a positive angle. Make a list of the things that you have done that were rewarding, fulfilling, or milestones.
Also, look at the bad times in your life as tests that you have successfully gotten through and became stronger from these tests. I am sure that in sha’ Allah when you begin to look at your life from a different viewpoint, you will see you have accomplished much.
Accomplishments
Sometimes it is easy for those who have not gone through a great deal of struggle to understand what comprises the meaning of accomplishments. The word “accomplished” is a rather subjective concept. What defines accomplished for one person does not necessarily mean accomplished for another.
For instance, for some people suffering from depression or illness, just getting out of bed or going to the store is an accomplishment, Alhamdulillah. While it may seem little to one who is not ill or depressed, it may be a big step for those who are.
On the other side of the spectrum, a business owner may feel accomplished only when he/she closes on a 50-million-dollar deal, not 20, but 50! Then you have others who seek to feed children living in poverty in a given community. So, they focus on building community gardens and teaching skills to the community members which help will produce food for the long terms.
Thus, their feeling of accomplishment will depend on the success of the community programs. These are but a few examples, sister. As you can see, everyone’s vision and the concept of accomplishments can be different.
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Clear understanding
It seems that perhaps your husband has not had to struggle for things in his life or does not have a clear understanding of what strength, faith, and determination it takes to overcome hardships. Or perhaps he does, only Allah knows.
However, I do know one thing, sister; you should be proud of yourself and the fact that after all that you have been through, you are still strong and faithful to Allah. Ma sha’ Allah, you are intelligent, determined and ready to go on with your life. This in itself is a big accomplishment.
Additionally, many women do not focus on big careers or making money while they have children (as you did). Many chose to be a full-time mom to their children. This is a big responsibility as well as an accomplishment.
Strive
Women often put off careers, their personal aspirations and such until their children are more grown and they feel they can devote time to a job or career. As you sadly went through a horrid marriage as well as losing your children, this was a setback. We all have setbacks in our lives which cause us to pause, reflect, heal and then try to move on. You have accomplished this and should be commended for your ability to pull your life together after such a traumatic event.
Sister, I encourage you to look again at all you have accomplished when things were stacked against you. This is truly giving meaning to the word “accomplished”. It is easy to attain our goals and dreams when everything is running smoothly in our lives. Yet, it is another thing to push forward and still strive to attain our goals when we are faced with setbacks, hurt and loss.
So please, I kindly encourage you to embrace where you are now in life despite what your husband says and love yourself. I kindly suggest that in sha’ Allah you define what “accomplish” means for you and make a list of the things you would like to accomplish. Make a list of short-term and long-term goals. This list is for you, not your husband.
Thus, I encourage you to find your own meaning and ideas of what accomplished means to you. It could be going back to school, it can be starting a career, or maybe you find joy and satisfaction doing charity work and helping others.
Whatever you seek to do, big or small, each step is an accomplishment. While your husband may feel you should have money to travel and do this and that, he is forgetting that he is your husband and he is to provide for you.
Conclusion
While traveling and having extra money is not a requirement for him in regards to supporting you, neither is it a requirement for you! In fact, if he wants you and him to travel, he should be providing the means to do so, not you.
Sister, you are still young and given the fact that you have had things in your past taken away from you, you are essentially starting over. There is nothing wrong with that. In sha’ Allah, focus on your strengths, your previous accomplishments as well as moving forward towards your goals which you deem to be fulfilling for you. You are a strong, determined, and wonderful Muslimah with many blessings coming.
Stay close to Allah through prayer, zikr, and reading Qur’an. I would highly recommend that you ask your new husband to engage in these activities with you. There is nothing more important than this. By worshiping Allah together, in sha’ Allah, you are securing your marriage, relationship and life here and in the hereafter. That is the greatest of accomplishments!
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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