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My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 14, 2016

Question

Salaam. I have a question regarding my life. I have been married for nearly twenty years and I am really confused. I am from the UK; my husband is originally from Pakistan. Our marriage was of choice and we seemed to get along fine. We still do actually, but as time has gone on, he still seems to be irresponsible and lazy in his attitude in life. He does not bother about giving the children time; he still likes the lifestyle of going out with his mates giving them more attention than me and the children but even his parents. He is in his early forties. He does not bother about religion that much and does not comment the children or me about religion, I got to say. We run a shop that sells alcohol which from the start I did not agree with, but he did not listen. Now, we are in real financial trouble, yet, he still seems to daydream. I never wanted this shop because its main business is alcohol and I have been telling him for years that there is no blessing in this but to no avail. I do not know if this financial trouble is a punishment from Allah or a trial, but I know that Allah is always there for us all. As well as this, he does not show interest in me; we talk sometimes, but I have to start the conversation, otherwise, there is none. I am sure he is having an affair with a co-worker, but when I try to say something he would switch the conversation and put some blame on me. It has come to the point that I sometimes do not want to even have him touch me, because he makes me feel worthless. I just do not know what to do islamically now. Sometimes, I feel I want to go anywhere away from here. Thank you may Allah reward you all, In sha' Allah, Ameen.

Counselor

Answer


My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless

Answer:

Dear Sister,

As human beings, we often face difficult moments when we realize the reality of certain situations. Although, this may be a difficult moment for you, but, with the proper resources, you can get the help you need.

There are several points I would like to highlight from your description of the marriage. The first concern is that although you may be trying various approaches, it seems that you and your husband have not been happy for some time. A question you should ask yourself is: when did you first start to feel that things are not going well between you and your husband? It might help you understand the root of the problem.

The next concern is the issue of spiritual compatibility. It seems that this relationship started out as a love marriage, but the spiritual disconnect between the two of you has driven a figurative wedge in your relationship. Based on your description, he does not seem interested in practicing the traditions of Islam, and he prefers a secular life style. As a result, his actions may also not be driven by intentions associated with fulfilling certain religious obligations and rights such as leading your family spiritually or providing emotional support. So, getting him to change his partying lifestyle will be difficult if he does not see the benefit of it or have faith in the religion.

The additional concerns that you have are that he has opened an alcohol store and that potentially he has been having an affair. These are issues that I would encourage you to discuss with a local therapist in the UK in order to have an objective and fresh perspective to mediate the situation. Again, this issue goes back to spiritual compatibility. What is important for you to observe religiously may not be important for him.

I would also encourage you to begin journaling, if you have not already, and ask yourself several questions: Are you happy in this relationship? Is it spiritually uplifting? Make a list of certain behaviors that are deal breakers for you and see how your husband measures up. Does he immerse himself in engaging in things that are good or bad for him? What is his moral or ethical code regarding marriage?

All of the above concerns mentioned should be factored in when considering where your spouse is at spiritually and emotionally. It seems that the relationship has an established unhealthy patterns, and is emotionally and psychologically abusive in some instances. It’s important for you to look at various programs which are available and would require your spouse to identify what he would like out of marriage overall as well.

The root cause of some of his behaviors could be surrounded by not having the opportunity to pursue certain dreams. He may desire to remain young once again through his actions by going out with friends, etc. There could also be underlying issues such as a traumatic experience which makes him feel emotionally stuck or a history of problems in the marriage that have gone unaddressed.

I hope this provides you with some perspective. I would encourage you to schedule an appointment with a local marriage counselor who has an understanding of Islam & Muslims (or is a Muslim) to expand upon all of your concerns.

Salam,

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About Sakeena Abdulraheem

Sakeena Abdulraheemholds an MA in Social studies with a concentration in Islamic studies from the Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences. She is currently completing her M.A.in counseling psychology with a concentration in trauma counseling. She has extensive experience working as a teacher, mentor, and consultant.


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