In this counseling answer:
• If you have family nearby, I would kindly suggest that you speak with your family about what’s been going on.
• I kindly suggest that you try to save your marriage by engaging him in a thoughtful and loving conversation about how you would like to have an Islamic marriage, and what that would look like.
• I would also suggest that you set forth agreements that when he is home you will pray together, go to the Masjid and work on your marriage. That is your right. If he refuses, you may have to decide on whether you want to stay in this type of marriage. It may mean separation or a divorce. That is something that you will have to pray about.
• In the meantime, please insha’Allah kindly seek counseling in your area to help guide you through your decision-making process as well as begin to heal from the emotional abuse you’ve been going through.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. I imagine you feel so hurt and betrayed right now. Sister, it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot of emotional abuse. As your husband is an over-the-road truck driver and gone for long periods of time, that can put a strain on a marriage.
Absence in Marriage
When you said that he “completely lost his mind”, I am wondering if there was a time when you were married when all these issues were not going on. What attracted you to him? Do these qualities still exist? What was marriage like when you first got married? Was he kind, respectful, and loving?
Did these issues start when he took this job? Or has it always been this way? Insha’Allah these are some questions you may want to think about especially if there has been a big change in his behavior. It may give you some insight.
Sister, the problem with being separated from your spouse for such long periods of time is that it leaves the mind to wander. People can get insecure and fearful, thinking that their spouse is cheating on them. For instance, while he’s driving for days and days, he’s probably wondering what you’re doing at home and wondering if you’re lonely. Just like I’m sure you wonder how he’s feeling while he’s gone as well. These are all normal feelings. However, to wonder if one’s spouse is cheating should not be in the equation if you are close to each other and to Allah.
Is it him or is it me?
When you have a solid and close marriage there can still be temptations and thoughts. However, Islamic principles, fear of Allah and love for your spouse usually negates any actions. However, when your marriage is in turmoil and you are not close as husband and wife, it compounds the problem.
Currently, your husband is accusing you of being sneaky and cheating. You are completely shocked because you are not, you take care of the baby and you sacrifice everything for him while he is out on the road driving. As a wife, that is the sacrifice of having a husband that is gone all the time. True, he is working and supporting you, but you are left alone to manage everything else.
Sister, you sound like a very beautiful and pious person and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Regarding your husband’s feelings and fears that you are cheating, it could be the other way around sadly. Often when a spouse is cheating, they will accuse their spouse of cheating when it’s them who are engaging in sinful behavior. It takes the focus and attention off their own behaviors, and puts the blame on the other spouse like they’re doing something wrong when they are not.
A spouse in this situation may feel worried, sad, and upset about being accused of something that they’re not doing; however, it takes the attention off the person who’s actually sinning. This is manipulation and deflection. I give you this analogy because you did mention that women are commenting on his pictures and messaging him.
There is no reason for him to threaten you with divorce, refuse to work things out as well as threaten to “replace you” when calling other women, especially in front of you. In fact, he has no business calling women at all. He is married. It is very haram and hurtful to you and it needs to be addressed.
Rights and Respect for Wife
Yes, your husband does have the right to have a second wife. However, there are certain Islamic ways that he must go about it. There is a protocol in Islam for how to approach a woman and it is to be done in a respectful way. Respectful to both his wife and the one whom he is seeking marriage with.
He sounds totally disrespectful not only to you but the other women he is speaking with. I am not sure sister if he is truly seeking another wife or just playing. He doesn’t even seem to be able to be a good Islamic husband to one wife, how can he marry another? There are severe consequences for this type of behavior.
Seeking a Resolution
Sister, I can understand how much that must hurt you when he says mean and terrible things. Please do know that the things he is saying are not true and are only a reflection of himself. Possibly he is ill, misguided or angry about something in his life. Whatever the cause of his behavior it must stop.
I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your husband when things are calm and suggest that the two of you have a heart to heart talk. Insha’Allah, he will be receptive to talking. However, from what you’ve described he doesn’t seem that open to communication and resolution, but it is worth a try.
Sister, I would kindly suggest that you speak to him about what the Quran says about marriage, how spouses are to treat one another, as well as give illustrations of how our beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) treated his wives. Possibly this will touch his heart and urge him to change. You may also want to bring proofs from the Qur’an as to how you expect to be treated in your marriage based on Islam. He states he is Muslim, then he cannot argue with the Qur’an.
It is very critical that the issues between you are resolved as soon as possible. As he is away and on the road for long periods of time you don’t know if he is cheating. May Allah forgive me if I’m wrong. However, if he is, as you know it is a big sin and it in addition to that, you would be at risk for catching an STD should he not use protection. I highly advise you to look out for your health sister.
Sister, if you want to save the marriage, then you must be prepared insha’Allah, to really insist on an Islamic marriage. One in which you are treated with love, respect, honor, and mercy. You may want to also suggest to him that you both go for marriage counseling to try to resolve your issues. An imam can provide counseling, or you can just go to a regular marriage counselor. It would be highly beneficial insha’Allah.
Check out this counseling video:
If he won’t go, I kindly recommend sister that you go so you can work out in your own heart and mind what you are going to do with the situation. It is not fair for you to go on in a marriage where you are constantly accused, belittled, emotionally abused and disrespected. It is not fair that he is speaking to other women, and possibly cheating.
That is not what Allah created marriage to be. It is to be honorable and loving. You said he tries to use Islam to justify his behavior. Well, he must have a misinterpretation of Islam because Muslim men are not supposed to cheat on their wives, accuse them, hurt them, disrespect them nor make them feel sad. That is not a right given to him.
Conclusion: Seeking Support, Healing, and Moving forward
If you have family nearby, I would kindly suggest that you speak with your family about what’s been going on. Possibly your mom or a sibling, or somebody that you are close to who can be supportive while you are sorting things out.
Sister, I don’t know how long you have been married, but this surely is not a healthy nor Islamic situation. As you are 24 years old, you are still young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I kindly suggest that you try to save your marriage by engaging him in a thoughtful and loving conversation about how you would like to have an Islamic marriage, and what that would look like.
I would also suggest that you set forth agreements that when he is home you will pray together, go to the Masjid and work on your marriage. That is your right. If he refuses, you may have to decide on whether you want to stay in this type of marriage. It may mean separation or a divorce. That is something that you will have to pray about.
In the meantime, please insha’Allah kindly seek counseling in your area to help guide you through your decision-making process as well as begin to heal from the emotional abuse you’ve been going through. Be good to yourself sister. Eat healthy foods, exercise, start a hobby you enjoy, and do dhikr (remembrance) for relaxation and stress reduction.
There are blessings in the remembrance of Allah (SWT). Try to get out and socialize with your friends. Spending quality and fun time with our loving sisters are nourishing for our soul. Be gentle with yourself, yet strong in your conviction to resolve this. Trust in Allah sister, and seek His mercy and blessings.
We wish you the best.
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