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Husband Ignoring and Lying to Me, Should I Divorce?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 19, 2017

Question

As-salamu alaikum, I am 25 years old and my husband is 32 years, our marriage was a completely arranged one, I tried to tell him indirectly before marriage that he isn't attracted towards me, but he never paid head to it. We used to make love, but it didn't go till sexual intercourse, after a month of my marriage he told me that he had a serious affair long ago and that girl was double-timing and broke his trust, so he can't trust me. I used to think that my husband didn't get over her, but he assured me that he had no relationship with anyone now. After 3 months without intercourse, I ended up telling my mother that we don't have any physical relation till now. The matters were brought to my in-laws; they took him for a test, the result was that he had hormones problem (low testosterone in his body) doctor said it was due to depression. As my husband said that he didn't have a good childhood his family was not loving and caring towards him (no one even wished him on his birthdays and all).The other major issue is that my husband doesn't work at all, he is a Mba and well educated before marriage, we were told that they have import and export business and sons assist their father after marriage. We were told a lie before marriage that they have a business but in reality, there isn't any business and my husband lives on his father's money, he doesn't spend nor does he have any intention to work; he has become really lazy as he was without work for more than 6 years. Whatever talk I shared with my husband after marriage and before, he went and said everything to his family as I told about his physical problem to my family, he even blames me for his depression, which is not correct at all and he told the psychologist also but in front of his family he lied and his family believes it too. I tried every possible manner to make this marriage work but now my marriage has come to a stand where I don't trust my husband anymore and don't even love him after hearing all that he told his parents. I am really confused as I don't know what to do, I don't see him making any effort to save our marriage. It's been more than two weeks I am back home, but once also my husband didn't ask me why I am not going back to my in-law's place, he isn't interested in me at all that is what he proves me. I want to go for separation but don't know whether it is right or not. Please help me with advice.

Counselor

Answer


As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

My dear sister, if there ever was a good, valid reason for divorce, you have it!

From your question, it seems that you have no children with this man. That is good. Get out of this marriage as fast as you can before you have children. This is not a “marriage” in substance. It is misery. Marriage is love and mercy according to Allah’s word in his book. Your marriage is anything but!

There is no injunction in Islam against divorce. Divorce is completely lawful. Divorce was even common in the time of the Prophet (saw). There is an ayah in the Quran that talks about getting divorced three times to the same person, then marrying another person and then divorcing him and then marrying the first person again. that is four divorces. This ayah would not exist if the people—the best Muslims the world has ever known—did not get divorced, a lot.

That said, we are not supposed to run to divorce as our first line of defense when our marriages are not working. We are supposed to try to fix them, first. But after then, if they prove unfixable, you have ever right – you even have a duty to yourself – to divorce. My God—you have suffered enough! There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce when it is the “right” thing to do; it is healthy in that case!

The Christians (in the Bible—which is an altered book (altered from the Revelation from Allah) don’t allow divorce and it that prohibition has caused tons of misery and sin in the Western world because our human nature to need physical companionship with someone for whom we “feel” something is as fundamental to our human needs as food and water is. The only difference is that without food and water we physically die, without love and mercy we emotionally die—unless Allah helps us survive it.

Our need for companionship is written into our very natures: Allah says He created us in pairs. Allah alone is “One”, we are not one. We manifest ourselves through the process of interaction. We grow through the process of interaction—reflection back to us of what our behavior feels like and looks like to others—because we do not have that perspective on our own behavior – we need each other to become alive, beyond breathing.

The way Allah provided for us to do this in a safe way (which is the way we need for us to feel free to express ourselves) is in family blood but mostly in marriage. Your marriage provides no such thing to you! Please do not think for a minute that you are doing something “wrong” to want or to get a divorce.

The Prophet (saw) had a wife that he was going to divorce because he lost his lust (not love) for her. She asked him to keep her one but not to give her a night. He agreed. In other words, if divorce were unlawful or even awful, our messenger (saw) would not have pursued that path.

Please put divorce in a different light in your mind. It is not the first thing we turn to when problems arise but it is the thing we turn to when the problems are abusive or so bad that they are intolerable or the couple is getting nothing out of the marriage anymore. That is marriage material or, as in your case, they are getting nothing out of the marriage at all, marriage material or otherwise.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you!


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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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