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Husband Flirts on FB; I Doubt His Love

Questioner

R

Reply Date

Jan 12, 2018

Question

I got married 6 month ago (arranged marriage, but I knew him before). I always feel that he doesn’t really love me because I am not as pretty as he wants. He cares a lot about me and is very concerned about my studies and everything. But he talks and flirts with girls on Facebook. I feel very insecure. When I ask him about it, he says he was just kidding with them, nothing else.

Counselor

Answer


Husband Flirts on FB; I Doubt His Love

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister, 

Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to grant you the courage and strength to be assertive and to love yourself. I also pray that both you and your husband will cherish and value your marriage.

Sister, it seems like you feel insecure about your husband’s past (and present) relationships with other women. You even mention that you noticed this about him before marrying him. Have you ever discussed your feelings about his interactions with women before marriage? I am specifically asking about your feelings because that reframes the whole conversation. If you confront him by asking him about his inappropriate behavior/interactions, he will answer in the defensive by denying that anything is going on between them. We do not want him to be defensive. Instead, tell him that he is a good husband (just as you mentioned above) and that you feel insecure because of his interactions with other women and discuss your feelings in more detail.

The point here is to have him focus on your feelings and not about his wrongdoings or that he is a bad person. Focus on your feelings and make sure the conversation revolves around how to make you feel better and come up with some kind of an agreement between the two of you. Instead of starting out by saying, “I saw you flirt with that woman the other day, it is inappropriate” say, “I feel insecure and ________ when I see you do __________ (you fill in the blanks). Keep elaborating on your feelings and how it relates to his actions.

You are still considered newlyweds; therefore many of the habits that you do now as a couple will continue years to come. Make it a habit that the both of you be open and honest with each other about your feelings and everything. Discuss how you want your marriage to be like, your dreams, and your desires. Encourage him to do the same.

The main point that couples need to focus on is to stay connected to each other. Couples who really know each other well have shown to have stronger marriages than couples who do not take the time to connect and understand one another.

Please do not wait for him to initiate these meaningful conversations. Be proactive yourself and strive to get to know your husband and for him to know you. Once you both have a stronger bond, you both start to value mutual respect and show one another the desire to make each other happy. I ask Allah to bring you both closer together and to not be afraid of being vulnerable with each other.

Salam,

***

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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