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Husband Doesn’t Understand I Have Trust Issues

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 14, 2018

Question

I am very intuitive but I do have trust issues with people. Every time my husband brings people in our lives I see things about these people that cause skepticism for me. When I try to show him the things they do to cause me not to trust them he fails to see and understand why I feel that way about this person. I feel he turns on me and says I’m to blame and everybody says it’s me not them. He says that our marriage will not work if I don’t except these people who are not even family which makes me feel like he is letting others come between our union. He is saying it’s me or them which makes me feel like he is threatening to leave me without getting an overstanding and seeing from my point of view what they do or not do to make his wife not trust his friends/brothers in Islam or take them seriously. He knows how I have suffered all my life with not being able to trust or count on people only Allah. I hate to be disappointed so I always try to nip it in the bud before it happens. I know I could be overreacting and that’s is why my main concern is just getting him to be more understanding of my issues so he can address them properly and privately without letting the other person know that he values their word over his life partner which I believe gives them room to disrespect me if he does it in front of them. I believe he should be on my side at all times, praise me in public and address any issue he has with me in private. I need for my husband to be my best and only true friend whom I can tell ANYTHING without him judging me or threatening to leave me. What dua can I make for my husband to make him be more considerate and patient in sincerely respecting my feelings and my mental state and making other people understand his wife and showing them we have a bond that can’t be broken.

Counselor

Answer


Husband Doesn’t Understand I Have Trust Issues

In this counseling answer:

“Speak with your husband, examine your trust issues as well as honestly look at your views of others with your lists. Insha’Allah, get counseling so you can begin to heal, trust again, and move forward with your life and increase the blessings and closer union within your marriage.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. You stated that you realize you have trust issues. You also indicated that you see things about the people your husband brings into your lives that is a cause of concern for you. As a result, this is causing problems in your marriage to the point wherein your husband feels your marriage will not work unless you start accepting others. Sister, you love your husband very much, it seems, and you long to be not only his wife but a best friend as well, as it should be.

Sister, there is so much in the Qur’an and hadiths about how to treat your wife. How to cherish her and treat her with loving kindness.  There is a really great video on Aboutislam which beautifully illustrates a few of these points. The one that really appealed to me given your situation and what you desire is by Muslim and states that “Anas narrated that the Prophet had a Persian neighbor who was good at cooking soup. One day he prepared some soup and invited the Prophet to it. `A’ishah was present so the Prophet suggested to the neighbor that she should join them. The neighbor refused to include her in the invitation. The Prophet, therefore, declined the invitation. The Persian repeated the exclusive invitation for the Prophet who, once again, declined the invitation.  In the third attempt, the Persian neighbor invited both the Prophet and his wife, `A’ishah. Then, the Prophet accepted his invitation and went with `A’ishah to the man’s house.

As we can see, The Prophet had so much reverence, love and respect for his wife that he would not even accept this invitation as the person tried to exclude her. What a beautiful example our Prophet is for all husbands to follow.

Sister, I suggest insha’Allah that you sit with your husband when things are calm and discuss just what it is that you feel concerning the people he is bringing into your life. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you highlight their good points first and then discuss the things that leave you feeling distrustful. Perhaps sister, if you also discuss with him how much you do love him, how you want to be his best friend as well as feel secure that nothing can come between you, it may insha’Allah soften his heart to really think about your feelings regarding this matter.

I would kindly suggest reading some hadiths (such as the one above) with your husband to illustrate how the Prophet treated his wives, especially in regards to their feelings. How he dealt with others in relation to his wives as well as how he handled any issues that may have arisen. As we love the Prophet Mohammad so much, we seek to follow his sunnah for it is the perfect way of living. It also illustrates how to treat each other, especially the points on marriage and unity between spouses. Perhaps by re-examining how our Prophet treated his wives, your husband will draw closer to you and try to get in touch more with the way you are feeling.

As you know sister, marriage is a journey of two. While your husband insha’Allah works on being more sensitive to your feelings and desires to be more unified, you too may need to evaluate yourself in terms of your trust issues.

While you did not mention why you have trust issues, I would suggest that insha’Allah you take a closer look at why you are so distrustful. If something happened in the past that is unresolved, I kindly suggest that you seek out a counselor in your area to help resolve these issues insha’Allah.

As stated, I do not know your past, only what you have said “I have suffered all my life with not being able to trust or count on people only Allah. I hate to be disappointed so I always try to nip it in the bud before it happens.” Sister, it may be quite possible that some of your fears and past sufferings may, indeed, be playing a part in your views of the people he brings into your lives. It may be that these are very nice people but your possible past trauma is causing you to be distrustful and think they are not good. It could be you are right in your analysis and all these people are not good to be around.  However, for the sake of fairness, for the sake of being a good Muslim who is welcoming and non-judgmental, as well as for the sake of your marriage, I highly encourage you to evaluate your perceptions.

Insha’Allah, please make a list of the friends he has brought around.  On one side write down their good qualities and on the other side list the actions, conversations, and observations that have made you feel distrustful. Please review these two lists and see which one is longer (is there more positive than negative). As no one is perfect, sister, as we are all striving, I kindly suggest that if the negatives are not severe, you consider changing your views of the person. While this is not always easy to do, especially when we have been betrayed or traumatized in the past, the rewards of seeing the good is a blessing.  Again, a counselor can help you work through this process of building trust and guide you through your healing journey from past trauma and disappointments.

I kindly offer these suggestions because in married couples usually do have social times with other couples. Some go to Islamic events together, some go out as a group for dinner and so on. Marriage is a unification, and nothing should come between a husband and wife. However, married couples do not live in a vacuum wherein they have no friends nor any life outside of themselves.

Sister, you have great insight, indeed. You stated that “I know I could be overreacting that’s is why my main concern is just getting him to be more understanding of my issues …” As you do realize that you may be overreacting, perhaps when you spoke with your husband about how you feel, and how you wish to be treated, you also told him that insha’Allah you will be getting counseling (if you choose) to help you through your healing journey and being able to trust again.

Insha’Allah sister, once he sees that you too are willing to work on yourself in order to save your marriage, this may make him very happy and more hopeful about the future. 

As you asked for a du’aa’, I am enclosing a link to a very beautiful and powerful du’aa’. I have personally found it has helped me greatly when facing personal trials and even when making du’aa’ for others.  Insha’Allah sister, you will find it helpful for your situation.

Please, do speak with your husband, examine your trust issues as well as honestly look at your views of others with your lists. Insha’Allah, get counseling so you can begin to heal, trust again, and move forward with your life and increase the blessings and closer union within your marriage.

You are in our prayers.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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