In this counseling answer:
• Have you asked him if he repented to Allah for this serious sin? f Allah forgives, who are we to hold a fear or judge?
• Continue to create new beautiful memories, share in activities that will bring you closer to each other and Allah.
As Salamu Alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. Sister, my heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation. However, there are a few perspectives.
First of all, as you know zina is haram. Secondly, he was a new Muslim. Third, you stated it was a time wherein you were friends, not yet engaged.
Sister, while this is very painful, please do look at the above factors. He was new in Islam; you were not in a relationship with him at the time (from what you indicated). Sister, have you asked him if he repented to Allah for this serious sin? How is his relationship with Allah now? Has he increased is iman? Do you fear he will cheat on you or is it the thought he was with another woman before you were married?
If it is the case that it bothers you that he was with another woman, then while it is understandable it hurts, you must also know that you were not with him then. If he repented, then Allah swt forgives. If Allah forgives, who are we to hold a fear or judge?
I kindly ask you, dear sister, to look at his relationship with Allah now, look at your and his relationship. Is it a strong, close marriage? If so, I kindly ask that you focus on these two factors. Make duaa to Allah swt to take the hurt and pain from your heart so you can move forward in this marriage that he has blessed you with.
Often times, when we hold on to a pain that is already resolved (he repented; he was not your husband; his Islam got stronger) we only hurt ourselves and may destroy a beautiful blessing.
You did not elaborate on how your marriage was, nor how you felt at the time you married him (you did know then). This should have been a discussion at that time. However, you may have held it in for not wanting to bring up past sins.
Sister, if all else is well with your marriage and both your husband and you are strong in your Islam and close to Allah, please try to move forward. Insha’Allah, continue to create new beautiful memories, share in activities that will bring you closer to each other and Allah. When the thought comes into your head that he committed zina, picture a big red stop sign in your head and redirect your thoughts to an activity. Try to think about a special moment the two of you shared or something nice he did for you. Do dhkir. The goal is to block and replace these thoughts with things that make you feel good.
Check out this counseling video:
You may also want to ask yourself if it were you who committed zina as a new Muslim before you married your husband, would you want your husband to “carry” this with him, think about it all the time and be sad? I think no. If you repented and were truly sorry, it would hurt you that your husband kept thinking about it.
When we give things to Allah in sincere repentance, we are not to bring them up again, as Allah has covered them.
I would kindly suggest dear sister, that insha’Allah, try to strive to put yourself in your husband’s place in regards to holding on to his past sins.
Also, know the fact that he chose you to marry and to make a life with. Your future life with him is more important than a past sin/mistake that he (insha’Allah) repented for.
Please, do make duaa to ask Allah to bring you through this pain as well as help you see the blessings that you have now in him and your marriage.
We wish you the best,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.