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Husband Can’t Stop Smoking Hashes; What to Do?

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Mar 17, 2017

Question

Salam Aleikom. I don’t know what to do. I am secretly married to a man who is a Muslim. We have only been married for a couple of weeks, but we already face communication problems. He smokes a lot of hashish, and I cannot accept this. Days can pass by without any communication between us. For him, it’s not a problem; he says he needs this for relaxation and for his writing. For me it’s a problem because he changes in personality.When he smokes, it feels like the connection between us disappears. I smoked sometimes with him just to not lose the connection. I thought if I smoke, we would be on the same level. But really, this is NOT for me. I hate it, so I am not smoking anymore.Before our marriage ceremony, he assured me that he had stopped smoking and that he had found another way by Allah to relax. But it didn’t take much time before he smoked again. The problem is that I don’t know how to approach him. Normally, I have no problems with telling what I want, but when it comes to this issue, I am completely silent. I can’t say anything to him.I read a lot on the Internet about marriage and how husband and wife should treat each other, and still I cannot get myself to talk to him. I am thinking that we are not good for each other and that we should get divorced. What shall I do? Please give me an advice. JazakAllah kahyran.

Counselor

Answer


What to Do With a Husband Who Can’t Stop Smoking Hashes?

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

There are a few issues that need to be addressed here.

Honesty and Truth:

I am not an Islamic scholar, but, as far as I know, having a secret marriage is actually not a marriage. Marriage is valid with community witness, and it is known to the family that you two are a couple. Why is your marriage a secret? I understand you may have special conditions in your case, but be aware that it cannot remain secret for long. Living in alienation will cause stress to your relationship and will lack family and community support when you two encounter difficult times. Furthermore, your marriage began on a dishonest note, and this may take away from the blessings of your success.

Secondly, your husband made a commitment to stop smoking, and then he went back on his word. This is a sign that he is really struggling with his smoking, and/or he was not planning to stop to begin with. Either way, he needs to be honest with himself about both (1) acknowledging that he has a problem, (2) that he was dishonest in his claim to you.

The Marriage is Still Fresh:

You have been married for a few weeks, and this is generally not enough time to really know if the relationship is working or not.  Unless other major issues have come up, and you cannot tolerate them, or they make you feel unsafe, smoking hashes and having communication issues are not necessarily deal breakers if you both sincerely invest in self improvement and marital growth.

Approaching Your Husband

You are right: smoking hash will likely cause him to lose focus and judgment and create distance due to a foggy mind. While his addiction could take more time, he must commit to recovery if he really wants to be with you and help himself. The question is: are you willing to support him and be patient if he sincerely commits to improving himself and the marriage? Advice on approaching your husband would be to praise his good qualities, validate that you love him and that you are deeply concerned about your future together. Approach him in a gentle way and in a time when you know he will be open and ready to receive your concerns.

Communication Skills:

They can be learned easily with a few tips and with practice. Try implementing the research you have done in real time. Simply sit with him and have some tea with eye contact and share your concerns using “I statements. “ For example: “I feel (these emotions) when you (his actions), and I would like to discuss this to come up with solutions and mutual efforts to improve. Often the issue is not that we are unable to communicate, but we are afraid we won’t get the results we want. Effort and patience is required for any marriage to have long-term success. You need to realize that if you are in it for the long run! Trust your husband’s inner goodness; most good men really want to make their wives happy.

Your best path, if you continue to find resistance or lack of success on your own, would be to get professional support with couple’s counseling. It sounds to me like you two have a lot of layers to this new marriage, and you need to address them as soon as possible. God bless you and your husband moving forward, amin.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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