As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
There are a few issues that need to be addressed here.
Honesty and Truth:
I am not an Islamic scholar, but, as far as I know, having a secret marriage is actually not a marriage. Marriage is valid with community witness, and it is known to the family that you two are a couple. Why is your marriage a secret? I understand you may have special conditions in your case, but be aware that it cannot remain secret for long. Living in alienation will cause stress to your relationship and will lack family and community support when you two encounter difficult times. Furthermore, your marriage began on a dishonest note, and this may take away from the blessings of your success.
Secondly, your husband made a commitment to stop smoking, and then he went back on his word. This is a sign that he is really struggling with his smoking, and/or he was not planning to stop to begin with. Either way, he needs to be honest with himself about both (1) acknowledging that he has a problem, (2) that he was dishonest in his claim to you.
The Marriage is Still Fresh:
You have been married for a few weeks, and this is generally not enough time to really know if the relationship is working or not. Unless other major issues have come up, and you cannot tolerate them, or they make you feel unsafe, smoking hashes and having communication issues are not necessarily deal breakers if you both sincerely invest in self improvement and marital growth.
Approaching Your Husband:
You are right: smoking hash will likely cause him to lose focus and judgment and create distance due to a foggy mind. While his addiction could take more time, he must commit to recovery if he really wants to be with you and help himself. The question is: are you willing to support him and be patient if he sincerely commits to improving himself and the marriage? Advice on approaching your husband would be to praise his good qualities, validate that you love him and that you are deeply concerned about your future together. Approach him in a gentle way and in a time when you know he will be open and ready to receive your concerns.
They can be learned easily with a few tips and with practice. Try implementing the research you have done in real time. Simply sit with him and have some tea with eye contact and share your concerns using “I statements. “ For example: “I feel (these emotions) when you (his actions), and I would like to discuss this to come up with solutions and mutual efforts to improve. Often the issue is not that we are unable to communicate, but we are afraid we won’t get the results we want. Effort and patience is required for any marriage to have long-term success. You need to realize that if you are in it for the long run! Trust your husband’s inner goodness; most good men really want to make their wives happy.
Your best path, if you continue to find resistance or lack of success on your own, would be to get professional support with couple’s counseling. It sounds to me like you two have a lot of layers to this new marriage, and you need to address them as soon as possible. God bless you and your husband moving forward, amin.
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