As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,
It sounds like you are going through a difficult time with your husband. Thank you for writing to us. I will try my best to advise you on this matter, in sha’ Allah.
First of all, I am sure you are not a bad wife and that you love your husband. Sometimes, it easier to think it is all your fault when you are the one who is trying to ‘’fix’’ something that is about to break. In this case, it is the trust that has been broken. No relationship can survive without trust. This is the most fundamental thing between a husband and wife. I can understand that he has hurt you and has not been completely honest with you, but it was all about how to react and handle the situation. I am not saying that you are wrong, but you could have done it in a different way. Some men have got a big ego and they do not like to be pointed a finger on when they have done something wrong, and sometimes their ego can damage the relationship.
As you state, you told your husband everything including about previous sins. This is a good way of building trust and starting a marriage clean. To share first gives an ideal opportunity for your spouse to give back the gesture, but I don’t think he focused on his past, and that’s why he did not tell you about it. Maybe his past was a painful or a shameful experience for him, and something he was uncomfortable to talk about. You have to understand that we are all very different and some people like to share more than others do.
Your husband looks to have had difficulty understanding that you may not be trying to hurt his ego by asking for an explanation, but it seems it is his ego that stands in the way. I would advise in trying to soften this ego before talking about the past. The best way is to remind him of your love in subtle ways that make you both feel happy and to build a positive rapport with him linked to the trust you both still have between each other. This may eventually filter through and help you both discuss the more awkward things like his past relationship.
It is important for you to try to understand why your husband felt the need to hide things from you and for him to realize just how much this has hurt you in return. I believe if you can both reach this point, it is only then you may be in a suitable position in your relationship to both decide if it is best to separate or not. If there is love there between you, that love needs the ability to grow and develop; however, until you both find closure with one another, your love shall remain exposed and insecure.
You have to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive your husband for what he has done and try to move on. He should not make you insecure by telling you about the divorce, as it can be a really painful situation for you. He should be good to you and respect you.
If you really want to make your marriage work and make the bond between you both strong, I suggest that you start trusting him again and stop fighting with your husband. Bring some change in your behavior with him and I am sure you will see a huge difference in him as well.
You should do something about your anger. Keeping your anger in control can be challenging sometimes. But anger can cause so many problems and is very much disliked by Allah (swt).
Here are a few tips to tame your temper:
“Think before you speak.
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you will later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
Once you are calm, express your anger.
As soon as you are thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them
Timeouts aren’t just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry.
Identify possible solutions.
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.
Stick with ‘I’ statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes,” instead of, “You never do any housework.”
Use humor to release tension.
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what’s making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
Practice relaxation skills.
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
I am sure if you try to make a good atmosphere at home and stop fighting with him for a while, he will not mention the divorce again. But if you think it is too hard for you to trust him again, then maybe you should separate from him (not divorce). Sometimes, a short break helps a lot.
May Allah (swt) ease your problem and make your marriage work.
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