Answer
Answer:
Dear Brother A,
I would like to say first that no matter how bad situations may seem there is always hope, even when we as human beings are at our lowest points in life. It is very important when going through difficult situations, such as a divorce, to take time to reflect on the choices both parties in the relationship have made before the marriage, during the marriage, leading up to the divorce, and after the marriage.
Marriage is one of the most important duties we as Muslims can fulfill. A successful and happy marriage is a major and blessed accomplishment. However, Allah (swt) would not have allowed divorce if He (swt) did not see it as an option that should be considered and utilized as a last resort.
I commend you for your patience throughout this difficult period. However, there is a difference between remaining patient in a marriage with minor conflicts that arise and is a part of the process of becoming familiar with each other’s wants, needs, and personalities; and enduring verbal abuse and public humiliation.
Although in many cultures it is still taboo to get a divorce, sometimes individuals find themselves at a point where they realize that they are not compatible with each other and they decide to go their separate ways.
There are some relationships that are toxic and connected to deeper issues from their childhood that may take a lifetime of therapy to change. These lifelong habits are not easy to overcome because these are habits that have been passed across the generations.
You have highlighted several issues that are of concern to you. You stated that immediately after the marriage you noticed a complete personality change in her. You mentioned that she humiliated you and your family and your in-laws also got involved in embarrassing you as well.
The fact that your families do not get along as well is an indication that the conflicts that you are dealing with your wife are much deeper and both families seemed to be a part of a much bigger conflict that is taking place between the two families.
You also mentioned that your wife gave the condition that you forsake your parents and other family members before continuing in the marriage. She threatens you with divorce when you do something that makes her upset.
All of these patterns of behavior are abusive. Unfortunately, verbal abuse, in some instances, can be just as bad as or worse than physical abuse. Verbal abuse sometimes leads to physical abuse.
Abuse of any form is damaging to the self esteem and many individuals in these situations often lose sight of their sense of self worth, faith, and hope of finding a better partner in the future. The longer an individual stays in this situation, the more they lose hope.
It is a natural feeling to feel depressed when one is grieving the loss of a relationship. However, if you have given 100 percent of yourself to attempting to save your marriage you should not view this as a failure but as an Islamic decision that you must make for the preservation of your well being.
Abuse is something that you should neither endure nor view as acceptable and the fact that she would like you to forsake your family indicates she could possibly be attempting to isolate you from family and friends so that the abuse can continue.
You have no reason to feel ashamed of your decision as Islam has allowed this and it is the practicality and flexibility of this faith that makes it a mercy to so many Muslims.
You mentioned the amount of financial hardship that you may incur as result of divorcing her and having to pay the mahr (dowry). You must take realistic approaches in negotiating your finances during the process and take reasonable action to ensure a smooth transition to being single.
I would also encourage you to find an outlet for your experience whether it is reaching out to a local counselor to explore what you are feeling in this moment, making du`aa’, and keeping a positive outlook on the situation which it will hopefully result in many lessons learned in coming to understand why the relationship has ended.
As Muslims we should all strive for the mental fortitude and unwavering hope that Allah (swt) will make a way for us. There are several verses in the Quran that emphasize the importance of not falling into despair and giving up hope. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:
Say, “Never will we be struck except by what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector.” And upon Allah let the believers rely.” (9:51)
Everything happens for a reason and we are not in control of his master plan. Using this period as a time for personal reflection and discovery and as a time to become closer to Allah (swt) will help you as you transition.
The goal is to look at all the ways this experience can propel you to developing an internal strength that we as human beings possess and towards moving forward to starting a new life.
Salam,
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