In this counseling answer:
• You have to accept that you cannot help him on your own.
• Your husband MUST seek help from a therapist in addition to an Imam.
• If sever physical abuse takes place, you must consider calling the appropriate authorities.
• Sometimes, we have to leave in order to speak loudly about how things have to change.
• Remind him that his behaviors and request to “get rid of him” are all indications that he is not well.
• Remind him he is not a bad person but he has gone through a difficult time and there is no shame to get support.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
It sounds like you and your husband are going through a very difficult time. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you, amen. Based on what you shared, my analysis as to why your husband has his aggression, fragility, and states of duress is due to a few factors:
He has been financially supporting his family for over a decade. This in itself is a stressor and especially if met (from you) with what you described as “sometimes aggressive arguments” regarding that.
His emotional umbilical cord has been cut from his family. He now feels let down and even betrayed by his own blood despite his efforts to help them. On top of that, the severing of any family tie is a very difficult event to cope with; it is similar to experiencing a death. As you said “. My husband began to show disturbances with being distanced from his parents and siblings.”
Family ties have recently ended with harmful words and claims of “not ever loving” him or his family.
As we know, black magic’s primary goal is to destroy family ties in vicious ways by altering what we see, feel and understand. This results in a fragile personality that is unpredictable and suffers deeply. It is possible that this was done after you cut ties with his family and stopped providing financially.
All these reasons are my humble analyses as to why your husband is in his state. In addition, you mentioned he has tried to control you more recently regarding what you can and cannot do. When an individual feels that their life is falling apart and they have lost power and or personal value, they will attempt to cope with this feeling of loss.
In your husband’s case, he has lost a sense of value by being unloved by his family and a loss of control over his emotions due to his deep disturbances of recent events. Perhaps, through controlling you more he feels that power and value again. Of course, this has to be done in a healthy way or else it will cause more harm to you in the process.
Furthermore, the defense mechanism known as displacement is clearly taking place. Displacement is when we direct our anger, frustration or disappointment onto a substitute object (in this case you) rather than the actual cause of these feelings (in this case your husband’s family). This may explain why he has exerted more control over you lately as well. He cannot change and control his family, but he can attempt to do so with you. He may also be experiencing his pain by exhibiting paranoia as to your activities due to his recent sense of betrayal and deception from his family. His hurt soul is deeply concerned that you may end up acting like his family and cutting him off or abandoning him, hence why he has become more controlling. Allah knows best.
What to do:
Firstly, you have to accept that you cannot help him on your own. You will need support and extra resources. You cannot carry this burden by yourself. Continue to get family, friends, psychologists, and imams involved. If your husband won’t go see them, try to bring them to him.
If you are generally concerned for you and your children’s well-being, then you have to consider staying with family, friends or elsewhere if feasible. Sometimes, we have to leave in order to speak loudly about how things have to change.
If sever physical abuse takes place, you must consider calling the appropriate authorities. I am not sure if police respond to domestic abuse in your country as they do here in the U.S.
Your husband MUST seek help from a therapist in addition to an Imam. I know you tried this but you have to keep at it as your husband will need long-term therapy. You cannot leave him alone when it comes to this. He will deny he needs help but the evidence is clear that he does need help, and he must get help. You have to use reason with him when he is calm.
Check out this counseling video:
Remind him that his behaviors and request to “get rid of him” are all indications that he is not well. Remind him he is not a bad person but he has gone through a difficult time and there is no shame to get support.
In fact, it makes him more of a man to take responsibility for his needs and do something about it, especially because his family needs him and he is in danger. If he continues to deny support and his condition is getting worse, maybe you should leave him and take some space with family. Sometimes space makes the individual realize they have no choice but to get help if they want their family back.
I cannot confirm if black magic is involved in your case, but if you are aware that “spells have been cast” by his family members than seek out specialists in this area to assess his condition. For now, play a lot of Quran in the house, especially Surat al-Baqarah, as it drives away evil spirits.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.