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I Feel My Husband Doesn’t Desire Me

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Oct 11, 2017

Question

Last time I wrote to you, I got a really wonderful answer. I'm trying to fall in love with him. One month ago, I was in India, but now I'm with my husband in Saudi Arabia. It has been one month but we haven’t had any intimate moment. He never approaches me, I don't know why. Since our marriage, he is like this. He never understands my feelings. Somehow, alhamdulillah I have two kids. But I need some moments where we are intimate. What should I do? Wait until he approaches me, or should I take the first step? I really don't want to be the first one to approach, because it hurts my ego. From the beginning, I am the one who needs to approach him first, but now it hurts my ego. Please help.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“A husband who without any genuine reason neglects his wife’s needs is as sinful as a wife who neglects her husband’s needs without any excuse.”


As-Salamu ‘Aleikum,

We are glad to hear that you found our previous answer useful. We will try our best to advise you the best we can on this matter as well, In sha’ Allah.

It must be hard for you to not feeling wanted by your husband, and it is not healthy to be in a sexless marriage both emotionally and physically. However, it is important to communicate with your husband.

Communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating, the frustration just builds up. If you don’t tell your husband what you want, then he will not know. It is better if you tell him how you feel rather than suffer in silence. Communicate with him about your needs and desires; he will surely understand if he loves you. You have to request from him that he starts taking initiative in bed, and tell him how you feel when he does not make you feel wanted. Use ‘I’ statement when you talk to him, “I feel hurt when you don’t touch me”. Please do not attack him with your words, as it will only make the situation worse.

Our scholar states “Intimacy is a mutual right for both husband and wife. This has been best summed up in the Qur’anic imperative:

“And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness…” (2: 228)

Therefore, the husband should not deny himself to his wife and the wife also should not deny herself to her husband. They should do their best to satisfy their marriage partner. A husband who without any genuine reason neglects his wife’s needs is as sinful as a wife who neglects her husband’s needs without any excuse.

The right of the wife to have her physical needs fulfilled by her husband is so well recognized in Islam that no husband should deny his wife this right even if he is involved in worship and devotion.”

A husband should take care of his wife and give her priority over everything else, so that he may keep her chaste, conceal her and meet her needs as much as he can, even if he does not have an urgent need for that, even if he has to do it for only her. He will be rewarded for it, in sha’ Allah. You should tell your husband about the sexual rights husband and wife have over each other in Islam and keep reminding him.

There can be other reasons for your husband not being up for sex; he may be too tired after work, or the atmosphere at your home is not so inviting. Try changing things in the home. Be more jolly and happy when he is around. Talk to him and touch him. Put the kids to bed earlier than usual and pay more attention to your appearance. Men are more visually attracted and it might make him more interested. If all of this does not help, then have a serious talk with him. Ask him what he likes and dislikes, and also tell him what you want. Don’t be quiet, it will only hurt you. Talk to him and be open about your intimate/sex life.

May Allah help your relationship and resolve your issue, Ameen.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: micha.agr@gmail.com

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