In this counseling answer:
“When one of the spouses becomes abusive and inflicts physical, mental, or emotional torture, and is not willing to change by taking practical measures through therapy or counseling, then it is a valid reason for seeking divorce.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear your troubles with your marriage. Surely, you have every right to divorce as decreed by Islamic rulings. AboutIslam states that divorce, in general, is hated by Allah, but permissible (or even recommended) in the case of:
Physical, mental, or emotional abuse or torture. When one of the spouses becomes abusive and inflicts physical, mental, or emotional torture, and is not willing to change by taking practical measures through therapy or counseling, then it is a valid reason for seeking divorce, for the Islamic principle states, ‘There shall be no inflicting or receiving of harm’ Zhulm (injustice) is not tolerated in Islam, regardless of who the perpetrator is.
Failure to fulfill the objectives and purposes for which marriage was initiated. This can be an utter incompatibility between the partners, which may be expressed by their irreconcilable differences in temperaments, likes, and dislikes.
Marital infidelity. This can be a major cause for the dissolution of marriage, for marriage is built on trust and confidence. Its main purpose is to preserve the chastity and modesty of those involved. Once this foundation is eroded and undermined and there is no chance to restore the same, then divorce is the way to go.
Failure of the husband to provide. When the man, who is considered the provider and maintainer of the family, fails to shoulder his responsibilities and the wife decides that she cannot continue tolerating his shirking of responsibility, this is grounds for divorce”.
While your husband has disappointed you in a lot of ways, he seems to love you. Maybe he suffers from depression, yet does not know how to go about “fixing it”. It is not uncommon for a man to not want to seek counseling as it is an ego thing. By seeking counseling, they often feel less competent as a man to handle life affairs.
Check out this counseling video:
It is a truly sad situation. If you have tried everything, sister, and feel there is no hope in your husband, then I encourage you to seek an amicable divorce. However, if there is even a small light of hope, I urge you to ask the local Imam, family, or other Islamic guidance to help you save the marriage. If he won’t go, I suggest that you seek counseling from your local mosque, an Imam, or an Islamic counselor who is knowledgeable about Islamic marriage, or you join an Islamic class on marriage to gain more insight.
Allah has not let you down, sister. He does answer our prayers. However, we have free will to chose. We have free will to make decisions. Perhaps, Allah is testing you to see how dedicated you are to a marriage by testing you with your husband’s current shortcomings. Maybe Allah has had someone else in mind but, as you said, you married in haste, not fully assessing the situation. Regardless, we will never know how Allah works, but we can rest assure He loves us, He tests us, and it is up to us to draw closer to Him or fall back.
I suggest dear sister that, regardless of your intent to divorce, you draw closer to Allah. Pray, make du’aa’, do dhkir, and recite Qur’an. Joining a sister’s Islamic group can provide great support for you as well as helping you feel not so alone.
Lastly, before making the decision to divorce, please do make Istikharah prayer and seek counseling for the surrounding stress, sadness, and anger.
We wish you the best dear sister; you are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.