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I & My Family Are Not Important to My Husband

Questioner

N

Reply Date

Jan 11, 2018

Question

Salam. It's been twelve years since we’re married to my husband. We have one daughter; she's four years old, but she's an adopted child. We both love her a lot. We tried our best but couldn't have a baby, so once my husband decided to adopt a child, and we both were happy having her. However, I’ve always felt that I and my family are not important to my husband. He has always tried to make his own in all the affairs of our life. He started also passing bad remarks about them, but later they were strictly banned from my house. He insults me in front of his friends and family. He shouts at me whenever I make even a simple mistake. Whatever I buy for myself and my family is wasting money on him. Now, we are far away from each other, living like two strangers in the same house. My hubby doesn't offer prayers. These problems are increasing day by day and make me worried. Please suggest me some advice to keep this relationship safe.

Counselor

Answer


I & My Family Are Not Important to My Husband

In this counseling answer:

“You and your husband need to develop communications skills where you both can share what should be changed and set goals to compromise each other. You need to find out what he really expects from you, and also share with him what you would like to have from him. Small things like surprising him with a meal he enjoys, or you get a compliment from him slowly can make a change. A happy marriage requires commitment from both parts.”


As-Salamu ’Alaikum Sister,

All the praises be to Allah. I am sorry to hear about your situation. First of all, the fact you have an adopted daughter does not seem to be the cause of your marital problems. You mentioned that he wanted to adopt, and you and he love her very much. This means you should not feel bad in any way for not being able to get pregnant. You did not gave details about why you could not have a biological child, but I could feel from your question that you might think that it is the reason why he does not respect you.

Remember sister, there are a great blessing and reward in taking care of orphans. In the Qur’an, the believers are urged again and again to take care of the orphans. The Prophet is reported to have said,

“I and the guardian of an orphan will be in Paradise or Jannah like these two fingers and he joined his two fingers.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)

Be careful with your own insecurity based on the fact that you did not have a biological child. I would suggest thinking about your marital needs and expectations and ask yourself if they are being met and fulfilled.

“Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.” (30:21)

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.”(At-Tirmidhi and authenticated by Al-Albani)

You should share these verses with him and call him to his faith as well. Despite your observation that he does not pray, it is his personal journey, and he will alone be responsible for his prayer. All you can do is advise and pray around him to remind him. When it comes to everyday life, his treatment towards you can change through communication and establish new patterns.

You need to make it very clear that you won’t accept disrespect towards you in private or in front of people. Regarding your money decisions, if you work and earn your own money, your husband does not have the right to interfere in how you use it.

You and your husband need to develop communications skills where you both can share what should be changed and set goals to compromise each other. Please research these skills online as I cannot go into depth here.

You need to find out what he really expects from you, and also share with him what you would like to have from him. Small things like surprising him with a meal he enjoys, or you get a compliment from him slowly can make a change.

A happy marriage requires commitment from both parts. Call your husband for a clear and honest conversation. Use “I feel” statements, for example: “I FEEL very upset and embarrassed when you insulted me in front of your friends/family”. It is a small change where you don’t accuse him at first, but instead, show him how you feel.

Make sure you and he have quality time together, anything that takes you out of your routine. In those moments, completely avoid any criticism. You both need to reconnect and focus on the good side of each other.

Here are a few tips to remember towards happy marriages:

  1. Improve communication skills.
  2. Take a relationship survey online to gather data on one another’s needs and how to meet them.
  3. Spend quality time with each other when possible.
  4. Show gratitude and affection daily.
  5. Make du’aa’ for one another and ask Allah to increase your love and faith.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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