In this counseling answer:
• Once you are stuck in this routine with negative feelings towards sex, you will only continue to reinforce these feelings.
• The root cause of the problem is probably more likely something outside of the relationship such as stress due to work.
• Rekindle the relationship; go out on dates and engage in fun activities that bring you closer as a couple.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
This can be an uncomfortable thing to talk about, so you have done a brave thing to seek assistance with the matter. It certainly shows that you love your husband enough to try and do something about it to please him more and to increase satisfaction for yourself. This issue is a very common one, so make sure you are not alone, sister.
Like you say, generally, men do tend to have a higher drive than women, and this is the first difficulty. I think you located the problem right at the end where you say that you sometimes feel depressed and stressed due to work.
Often, the problem is not due to a lack of love between the couple. Certainly, in your situation, you make it very clear how much you do love your husband, but other external issues impact on your psychological health which then spills over into other aspects of your life, in this case, your sex life with your husband. Once you are stuck in this routine with negative feelings towards sex, you will only continue to reinforce these feelings. You become stuck in this cycle. The key is to break out of this cycle and find some enjoyment in sexual relations.
Check out this counseling video:
Stress & Intimacy
You say you have tried experimenting with various things to increase your drive (but do not delve into porn as it is haram and can be damaging in a relationship), but these have proved to be unsuccessful for you. I think this further indicates that the root cause of the problem is probably more likely something outside of the relationship such as stress due to work. I would, therefore, suggest that you begin by addressing these issues.
Naturally, when people feel stressed or depressed about anything, the last thing on their mind will be intimacy. Stress can also lead to the tiredness and fatigue that you speak of which, again, will not assist you in desiring any kind of intimacy.
Think about what it is about the work you do that makes you stressed and do what you can to work on this. Do something to improve your situation and to make you enjoy your work, or at least be content with it. This is something you could speak with your supervisor or colleagues about. Once you improve your work situation and feel happier at work, in sha’ Allah, you will feel more relaxed generally. It will also have a positive impact on your relationship and intimacy issues.
Rekindle Your Relationship
There is also no harm in engaging in other things that would usually be recommended in cases where the love has become lost between the couple. Rekindle the relationship; go out on dates and engage in fun activities that bring you closer as a couple.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to address the issues that bring stress to you. May He (swt) continue to place love between you and your spouse that you can work successfully on this issue and improve your intimacy issues so that it brings contentment for you both.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.