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Why Don’t I Want to Have Sex?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 09, 2018

Question

Salam Aleikom.

My problem is about sex in my marriage. Or I would say myself and my lack of desire for sex. I have been married for 5 years. I do not desire having sex. I can be "convinced" by some hugs or kisses, and I do enjoy when I am finally in the mood, but from myself I would, I guess, never approach my husband. Even during the process, I need to focus hard and, to be honest, fantasize to finally reach orgasm.

The problem is that even though I do not usually refuse my husband when he wants, but I am not a good actress, so it is clear on my face and the whole body when I just do it out of obligation. He wants me to also want it and enjoy it, but I am completely fine if only he enjoys it and 'finishes" it.

Sometimes, it is the fact that I need to make ghusl and wash my long hair which distracts me from having sex, sometimes I am sleepy, but usually I just simply do not desire it! Sometimes I even hate it, especially when my husband tells me that how bad it is that he wants and I do not.

On average, we have sex once, maybe twice a week. I am trying, at least. I am a revert, so I had sexual relationships before marriage ( may Allah forgive me), and even since that time I have problems with sex. maybe I was too young when I lost my virginity and that has an affect on me? It was not a really lovely moment, to be honest, and I basically did it due to peer pressure. For ages, I was not even able to reach orgasm and I did not enjoy the whole process. I was a true victim of social pressure.

Then I reverted to islam, I got married. I was very worried this standard will continue, but hamulillah I don't have this problem. The only problem is that it is really really hard to "heat me up". Nothing works. No different places, positures, massage, romantic bath, or else excites me. On the contrary: they distract me and make me feel uncomfortable!

We reached the point when we were even thinking of watching some porn, thinking it might help me get heated up, but as it is haram, we do not really want to try it out. What shall I do? I know in general women are less "sexual" than men, but is this normal that I feel I am almost a frigid? I do love my husband dearly, and he loves me too, so I am not sure what the problem is. I feel stressed out sometimes, or depressed due to work and the many other stuff I do, but I try to take the time out for my husband and relax.

Nonetheless, I have this problem. What shall we do? Thank you for your advice in advance!

Counselor

Answer


Why Don't I Want to Have Sex?

In this counseling answer:

• Once you are stuck in this routine with negative feelings towards sex, you will only continue to reinforce these feelings.

• The root cause of the problem is probably more likely something outside of the relationship such as stress due to work.

• Rekindle the relationship; go out on dates and engage in fun activities that bring you closer as a couple.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

This can be an uncomfortable thing to talk about, so you have done a brave thing to seek assistance with the matter. It certainly shows that you love your husband enough to try and do something about it to please him more and to increase satisfaction for yourself. This issue is a very common one, so make sure you are not alone, sister.

Like you say, generally, men do tend to have a higher drive than women, and this is the first difficulty. I think you located the problem right at the end where you say that you sometimes feel depressed and stressed due to work.

Often, the problem is not due to a lack of love between the couple. Certainly, in your situation, you make it very clear how much you do love your husband, but other external issues impact on your psychological health which then spills over into other aspects of your life, in this case, your sex life with your husband. Once you are stuck in this routine with negative feelings towards sex, you will only continue to reinforce these feelings. You become stuck in this cycle. The key is to break out of this cycle and find some enjoyment in sexual relations.


Check out this counseling video:


Stress & Intimacy

You say you have tried experimenting with various things to increase your drive (but do not delve into porn as it is haram and can be damaging in a relationship), but these have proved to be unsuccessful for you. I think this further indicates that the root cause of the problem is probably more likely something outside of the relationship such as stress due to work. I would, therefore, suggest that you begin by addressing these issues.

Naturally, when people feel stressed or depressed about anything, the last thing on their mind will be intimacy. Stress can also lead to the tiredness and fatigue that you speak of which, again, will not assist you in desiring any kind of intimacy.

Think about what it is about the work you do that makes you stressed and do what you can to work on this. Do something to improve your situation and to make you enjoy your work, or at least be content with it. This is something you could speak with your supervisor or colleagues about. Once you improve your work situation and feel happier at work, in sha’ Allah, you will feel more relaxed generally. It will also have a positive impact on your relationship and intimacy issues.

Rekindle Your Relationship

There is also no harm in engaging in other things that would usually be recommended in cases where the love has become lost between the couple. Rekindle the relationship; go out on dates and engage in fun activities that bring you closer as a couple.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to address the issues that bring stress to you. May He (swt) continue to place love between you and your spouse that you can work successfully on this issue and improve your intimacy issues so that it brings contentment for you both.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

What Should Husband Do If Wife Is Not Interested in Sex?

Increasing Sexual Drive Before the Wedding Night

Intimate Issues: Sex & Marriage in Islam




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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