I got married last year to my college mate. His parents showed a well financial stability (income from family business) before marriage, but soon after marriage, I got to know that my husband doesn't have any such share. My husband's ego prevented him from asking money from his parents, so he soon picked up a job. But the salary was still insufficient as I was pregnant by then.
For 1 and a half year we have been fighting over silly issues because my husband cannot balance between his parents and me. Due to which I lost respect for him. He has such attitude like "being a man I'm right, my parents are always right, being a woman you should be under me obeying everything I say and do" even though they're wrong in many things. They've such an orthodox thinking where they say women are only limited to household, giving birth to children etc. Even during my pregnancy, I went through a lot. My husband asked me for talaq, but it didn't work because I was pregnant. He used to drag the fight and make it worse, never understood me and always oppressed me. I used foul language out of frustration. Whatever the fight maybe he used to go and tell his parents rather than just discussing in a room with me. This made my reputation sink in his family.
Coming to the decision making and obeying my husband, he says he's the sole decision maker for the decisions related to household and the kid. He will just "consider" my idea but will eventually end up doing what he feels right. Where will the woman's decision go then?! There were many incidents where he took a wrong decision (instigated by his parents) for me and the kid, but I corrected him lately and did what was right.
We've faced a situation where we became aggressive and violent towards each other. And this thing spread in his family, both paternal and maternal. Since then I'm at my mom's place and I'm refusing to go back because things will not be the same. Everyone will look at me awfully. I'm demanding separate accommodation, but he's refusing due to his financial condition. I told him I would pick up a job and we can stay but he refused. I told him that I would then stay at my mom's place and he can come and go whenever he likes. He's also refusing to go with this idea too. He's saying if I don't get back to his home, he'll give me talaq.
What should I do in such a situation?! I've got a kid and only due to him I want to give another chance to this marriage, but my husband is arrogant. Please help me with this, jazak allah.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Take time apart.
• Seek counseling.
• See it from his perspective.
• Compromise & work on your relationship.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh dear sister,
This sounds like quite a complicated situation that is just getting worse. However, as you say, you want to give it another chance too. As we know, in Islam marriage is highly regarded for a multitude of reasons. It seems you are aware of this to be trying to give it another shot.
Take time apart.
Given the argument came to blows the last time, you have done a wise thing to step away for a bit. It seems this is making him angry as he is saying he will give talaq if you don’t go back. But there is the fear that if you go back too soon, it will only erupt all over again. Taking time away will give you both the space to clear your heads and remember each other’s good points rather than being constantly irritated by the negatives due to being in each other’s company all the time.
Obviously, you don’t want to make this something that will go on for too long, but you don’t want him to get any angrier too. Perhaps you could stay with your mum a little longer, but get the message to him as to why. This is for the benefit of your relationship long term.
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Seek counseling.
This is an ongoing matter that has extended family involved now too, so I’d highly recommend counselling as a means to both get your frustrations out in the open in a controlled environment. It will give you both the opportunity to have your voices heard with a third party present to mediate your transactions. If you do this with an imam, he will be able to advise from an Islamic perspective also which will be especially useful when it comes to advising you both on your roles as husband and wife.
See it from his perspective.
Your financial situation is difficult right now. This is probably placing a burden on him psychologically as he clearly feels he has to provide. If you work, then perhaps he feels like he is being stripped of his role as a husband and father. Understanding his side, and why he might be frustrated will soften your heart towards him. It will make it easier to deal with him appropriately keeping these sensitive matters in mind.
As well as understanding his, also try to understand his parents too. Not that this justifies any poor manners, but it’ll make it easier for you to approach the situation in a way that they will all be more receptive too. It will help to calm any anger you may have towards them too.
Understand that as his parents, he has been raised by them so has a level of respect for them that takes precedence even when they are wrong sometimes. They also only want to see him happy so when they see an inkling of unhappiness seemingly caused by you, they will have bad feelings towards you. Likewise, you may notice similar attitudes in yourself when dealing with matters relating to your child.
As I said, this doesn’t mean these attitudes ok, but will hopefully settle your mind to understand its nothing against you personally, but simply a result of parent-child bonds.
Compromise.
Once things are easier between you and you have a better understanding of one another, perhaps you might propose some kind of compromise where he allows you to work part-time in an appropriate environment. This way, you get your way and are able to support him financially. He also gets his way in that you won’t be going to work full time or be the primary provider in the household.
Work on your relationship.
Once things have cooled down a bit, also do things to support your relationship by doing things together as a couple. Just the two of you. Many times in-laws get involved as in this situation. It can have a big impact on the marriage between a man and woman.
Spending time alone together enables you to appreciate one another once again without the interference of anyone else. It gives you the chance to strengthen your marriage separate from others son that you will be more united when others are involved.
May Allah bring you to ease in your marriage and make it easy for you to recover from recent difficulties.
Amen,
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