How to Deal with My Difficult Wife? | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Marital Obstacles > How to Deal with My Difficult Wife?

How to Deal with My Difficult Wife?

Questioner

F

Reply Date

Dec 05, 2017

Question

I have been married for 6 months and my wife is 6 months pregnant, Alhamdulillah. I belong to an upper-middle-class family and mashAllah we have a good living standard. We got arranged married in the traditional way with both families involved. The problem is that from the beginning she has a bad temper, and she ends every argument telling me that I should give her divorce. She also threatens me that she would get khul’ and never let me see our baby. I am the only son my parents have therefore we are only 4 people in the house. She has always kept a distance from my parents; she hardly says salam to them. She ignores them like they don’t even exist. I have asked her to be nice and respectful to my parents, but she says it was not her obligation to do anything for my parents. She is foul-mouthed, abuses me and my parents and threatens me all the time. She wants my parents to take the initiative, but when they do she does not respond in a respectful manner. She has always been prejudiced and felt that I tell our personal and private things to my parents, which is not true at all. She openly admits and tells her parents lies about me making me a villain who treats her like a slave and beats her up. Only once when she came close to me and called my father a bastard I slapped her as gently as one could and told her I could not tolerate such behavior. Since then her parents have spread the word in the community that we beat her up, make her work like a slave, give her nothing to eat and stress her even though she is pregnant. As a pregnant wife, she gains sympathy which makes me helpless. Even defending myself hurts me as it is embarrassing. Her habit of making us look bad in front of her parents has ruined my married life. Her parents have threatened me and my parents several times. They seem to have no problem in ending the relationship. Her father speaks to my father in the worst possible manner. This has made my parents hate my wife and her family. My wife does not respect me. She is proud even though I fulfill all her needs and give her love. I have given her everything I possibly can. Whatever she has wished, I have brought her, but she has never appreciated. Instead, she gives examples of other couples and what they do. My parents think I am weak and scared of ending the relationship. They do not seem to understand that she has my baby. Last month, my father went out of control and asked her to leave. She called her parents (as always) and without my permission left the house. I had enough so I did not stop her. Her parents have insulted me so many times on the phone and face to face. She has told them everything, for example, the details of what happened on the first night of our marriage. My parents think divorce is the right action as she will ruin my house and future. They are worried about me and blame themselves for bringing me a bride who gives nothing but expects everything. For a month, I have not been in touch with her. I have decided that she must learn to respect me and my parents, otherwise she can’t enter my house again. The problem is that she does not care. She and her family think they are winning because they have a legitimate baby coming. I think it is my love for her that has made me weak and them so strong. I feel very weak, unhappy and impatient. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


How to Deal with My Difficult Wife?

In this counseling answer:

“Your wife certainly comes from a different background than yours as no two houses are exactly the same. Six months is simply nothing for a person to accept and adapt to the new environment. You need to give her time. If you have a problem with her anger, tell her in a non-judgmental way. Also, tell that you are with her and you will help her reduce it. She needs your support because she is alone in that new place. Maybe she has a different perspective. You can then explain the viewpoint of your parents and make her realize that now they are also her parents. Tell her to think over her baby’s future. Divorce will ruin so many lives, especially that of your baby.”


Dear Brother,

As cliché as it may sound, but the beginning is easy, continuing is hard. This is a reality that can be applied to every aspect of life. Similarly, it is also reflected in the institution of marriage.

In your case, tying the knot was quite easy, especially because your marriage was an arranged marriage. Your relationship proceeded in a similar manner as to what couples usually experience; joy, excitement, and infatuation, which is usual for the initial honeymoon phase of marriage. The real quest begins with time. Do you really think six months is long enough to understand each other or to end a marriage?

Let me remind you, it is not a girlfriend-boyfriend unofficial dating scene where things can suddenly go off. No, it is a pact; it is marriage. Islam has stressed upon the importance of marriage with the purpose of family and shows strict resentment against the permissible act of divorce. But why do people talk about exiting a relationship? Why can’t people try their best to live up to the challenges?

The act of divorce might appear to be an easy option similar to the act of threatening the spouse to separate. In both cases, it is human nature to opt for an easy way out of a difficult situation. But humans do not realize the consequences of such decisions that are intensified, especially for those, like your wife, who is about to give birth to a baby.

Have you tried talking to your wife about why does she behave this way? It has only been few months which are certainly insufficient to understand the spouse, his family, and the new rules, and to adjust/adapt to them.

With a child, things become more complicated. The girl, who has just left everything, will not only have to adapt to the new norms but will also have to bear in mind the upcoming additional responsibility of a child – let alone her hormone changes and mood swings during pregnancy. Do you realize this stress?

I recommend that you think over the situation. For a minute, keep aside how your wife has been threatening you and making unreasonable demands. Think about the times you have actually consoled her when she missed her family. Reflect upon the moments when you were there when she needed you. It seems that the bond between you two is quite shaky. There is lack of communication and understanding between you two. First of all, you need to tell her, your parents, her parents, and yourself, that divorce is not a solution to this trouble.

Dear brother, love does not make you weak. Instead, it is your strength that saves you from doing something that is disliked by Allah. Things might appear to be complicated as your personal matter is now being intervened by the two families. I advise that for the time being, keep families away from deciding things for you. Take the matter in your hand. Thinking she will realize that she needs to respect you and until then you will not let her in is not an act of compromise. It will instead deteriorate the situation.

Such acts might work, but the timeliness and the attitude of the other person plays an important role. In your case, it seems that your wife is willing to separate but she is still detrimental. If she was very sure, she would have taken a step instead of threatening you. Therefore, there is room to save the relationship that will only be possible if both parties agree on compromising a bit.

If her anger is the problem, what approach have you been practicing? Slapping her for talking against your parents is not an act appropriate for a gentleman. When things reach up to the point of divorce, both parties are to be blamed. When things go wrong with people, they experience the most helpless feeling of being a victim. Consequently, everyone around appears to be the culprit and be better off. This is not the case because your acts must have aggravated the situation in some way or the other. The best way to find them out and to resolve them is to think over it and talk to your wife.

If you are not ready to call her back and if she is not willing to come, simply tell her that you want to give it one final shot. Meet her somewhere outside and talk to her. Let her speak. Even if she talks against your parents, have the courage to listen to it because maybe there might be something wrong happening behind your back that is triggering her wrong behavior. It might also be possible that she is overreacting to a situation. In all these cases, you need to hear her out.

Your wife certainly comes from a different background than yours as no two houses are exactly the same. Six months is simply nothing for a person to accept and adapt to the new environment. You need to give her time. If you have a problem with her anger, tell her in a non-judgmental way. Also, tell that you are with her and you will help her reduce it. She needs your support because she is alone in that new place. Maybe she has a different perspective. You can then explain the viewpoint of your parents and make her realize that now they are also her parents. Tell her to think over her baby’s future. Divorce will ruin so many lives, especially that of your baby.

Convince her to give the relationship some more time so that you both can gradually work out the issues that cause conflict. Maybe you want to seek the help of a marriage counselor or imam to assist you in solving your marital problems. In the Quran, Allah encourages Muslims to ask those who know, if we don’t know (16:43). Therefore, you should not feel shy seeking help from counseling, if you feel the need for it.

Dear brother, the new little member will bring so much happiness in your life and will connect the couple and weave them into a strong bond, in sha’ Allah. You need to make your wife realize the importance of marriage and parenthood and the sacrifices that one has to make to live happily. There is no need to burden her with the dos and don’ts of the new house. Relax. Give her time to adjust, and give your relationship a considerable amount of time that will definitely solve things, in sha’ Allah.

Every couple goes through good and bad times. Things between you two must not travel to the ears of the surrounding, and in sha’ Allah it will be in the greater benefit of you two and the child.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:




About Atika Ali Hussein

Atika Ali Hussain received her BA in Social Sciences from Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) and has 3 gold medals in Psychology. She has been working as freelance writer for 6 years for WriterBay and volunteering in an orphanage. You can contact her on her blog: www.lifelogpkblog.wordpress.com

find out more!