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A Newly Married Couple: We’re Struggling with Intimacy

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 13, 2018

Question

Assalamualikum. I just very recently got married. It has been almost 4 months now. It was completely arranged. Yet, I can’t seem to feel happy in marriage at all. To start off, I was born and raised in America. My parents alhamdullilah took care of me with love. Once I graduated high school, it started receiving marriage proposals one after another. I was never interested in marriage, but I told my parents that when the right person comes I’ll get married. Alhamdullilah a man came that I felt something different for. I met him once and we soon got married a week later. I soon started feeling awkward around him. I struggled with physical intimacy although we did consummate our marriage. I still struggle with sex. I hate it so much. I force him off of me. I get out of the room if he tries to start. One night, I’m perfectly fine the next time I can’t stand him. He’s alhamdullilah so Islamic. His parents aren’t very nice. He is so nice to my family. He is always patient. But I have started noticing that this relationship is starting to go down badly. Sometimes he says he’ll never come back. What should I do. Why do I act this way?

Counselor

Answer


A Newly Married Couple: We're Struggling

In this counseling answer:

” The majority of marriages done ups and downs and will not remain as vibrant as they were during the first months. The way you manage this, however, can ensure that your marriage remains alive and happy. This can be achieved by accepting the challenges and relishing the beauty of marriage. This is further done by focusing on the positives and making sure to dedicate time exclusively to one another through mutual tasks and doing fun things, but also spending a little time apart every now and again too.”


Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

MashaAllah, you have found a husband who is a practicing Muslim, he’s very patient and he is nice to your family. Unfortunately, however, you are not feeling so happy in this marriage lately and feel like the relationship is going downhill and you are unsure why things seem to be heading this way. There are, however, a few things you can think about and do to try and make things better.

Marital challenges

As much as we all want to be in a marriage that is 100% bliss 24/7, but unfortunately this is seldom the case. All marriages will at some point face one challenge or another. Marriages will always start off in a good place, but what many don’t realize is that marriages won’t always remain this way as the couple gets used to each other and exhibit traits that perhaps the other spouse did not expect or had never seen before. For the most part, these are minor things that one just has to learn to accept and will come to adjust to these things in time, often coming to eventually love these little quirks.

Compromise in marriage

You will not always like all the things about your spouse, and he too will likely be having issues with some aspects of your own personality, but one of the important things in marriage is to realize that compromises need to be made on both sides in order for a marriage to succeed. Whilst we would always prefer to have things our own way, it is better to make reasonable compromises for the sake of a happy marriage than expect everything to be done your own way at the risk of causing difficulties and unhappiness in the marriage. After all, these compromises you make may even be better for you than if you did things your own way. Marriage requires flexibility.

“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:216)

Even looking at marriage in general without going into specifics, it may be that you dislike being married, but it is good for you. Marriage gives you the chance to have your needs met in a halal way, provides you with comfort and protection from many things

“…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” (Qur’an, 2:187)

and most importantly is encouraged by Allah.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between your affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an, 30:21)

Focus on the positives

At present, it seems that you are very much fixated on the negative aspects of this marriage and of course this is going to make you feel unhappy in the marriage. Despite this, however, you have identified his positive aspects too. In order to promote happiness in your marriage, focusing on these positive aspects more will make for healthier relations and satisfaction in the relationship.

Rekindle things

Often couple needs to rekindle the sparks in a marriage every now and again to nurture the love between them. There are several ways this can be done.

Do something fun. The couple might feel that their marriage feels boring when they are just doing the same things day after day. A way to overcome this is to do something fun together. Try something different. Either do something completely new together such as taking up a new hobby, or just simply block out the time to do something nice together like going for a walk. You can make this a regular date for a while and switch things up every now and again, maybe going out for coffee or lunch another time.

Either way, just blocking out that time to be alone together can keep things fresh in the relationship and allow a good space to just chat about anything and everything. It will also give you both the security that amongst all other commitments, you have separated that time for your relationship development.

Work on common goals. Doing a task that requires you to work together on common goals can be another way to strengthen a relationship as it requires you to work together on the same thing towards the same goal using teamwork. It might be that you sign up to some kind of course together, or start a new hobby together, or even something in the home like redecorating a room together. This cooperation on the task can help to strengthen bonds and increase cooperation in the relationship also.

Spend time apart also. Sometimes being with someone often, like a spouse, you can take certain qualities for granted and get irritated with minor things that irritate you. A way to overcome this is to spend a little time apart also. When this occurs, the couple will soon come to miss one another as they focus more on the nice things and positive qualities that they miss in the person. To achieve this, you could go and stay with a family member for a couple of days as a means to not only maintain family ties but also strengthen your marriage.

Summary

Overall, do keep in mind that the majority of marriages done ups and downs and will not remain as vibrant as they were during the first months. The way you manage this, however, can ensure that your marriage remains alive and happy. This can be achieved by accepting the challenges and relishing the beauty of marriage. This is further done by focusing on the positives and making sure to dedicate time exclusively to one another through mutual tasks and doing fun things, but also spending a little time apart every now and again too.

May Allah bless your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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