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A Long Distance Marriage: My Wife Blocked Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 09, 2017

Question

Salam. I got married to a British lady in the Islamic way and put her through Islam, but today we are having trouble. She has blocked me because she lives in the UK and I am in Germany. I don't eat or drink. I am just confused. I need a dua and advice.

Counselor

Answer


A Long Distance Marriage: My Wife Blocked Me

In this counseling answer:

“Try to find a way to see your wife with the goal of living together in the near future. If needed, ask family for assistance in reaching her. Have a plan of action in place to discuss with her as well as other supports that she may need as a new Muslim and a new wife. Please be good to yourself and know that we all go through tests and trials in this life.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles with your wife. As I understand it, you married a lady who has become Muslim and now there are some problems between you. Is this correct? While you did not give a lot of information such as how long you have been married, if you ever met each other in person or lived together, or what kind of problems you are having and why, I will do my best to provide you with guidance.

Brother, as you both live in different countries, it is often difficult to maintain a marriage, especially if it is a new marriage. Marriages usually need nurturing and together times in order that two people may get to know one another. This is very crucial to developing a bond between two people.

I would kindly suggest that if you are able, you go to your wife in the UK and try to work out your marriage issues. If that is not possible, try to bring her to you. Insha’Allah, if you can get together, you can save the marriage.

Too often, a good relationship ruins due to miscommunication or poor communication. It is difficult enough trying to build a marriage and get to know one another when two people are together, but when two people do not even live together, it gets compounded. Therefore, I would kindly advise that you try your hardest to find a solution to the situation of living apart. Perhaps, this has added to your issues. However, I do not know as you were not specific.

Also, as I gather, she is new to Islam. Insha’Allah, she has someone in the UK to help guide her in her Islam so that she does not feel alone and lost. You actually should be the one to do this; however, as you are not physically together, it is not possible.

It could be that she feels lonely, confused and irritated that you are not with her, brother. As taking shahadah is one of the most significant things a human being can do, I am sure she feels some kind of way about being left on her own to walk this path of gaining knowledge and support. May Allah grant her ease.

Please, talk with your wife, if possible and try to work something out in regards to being together.  Even if it is just a short trip to start out with trying to resolve your issues. At least, you can see each other face to face to try to resolve your problems, insha’allah.

I would kindly suggest that you seek the assistance of her family or yours if you cannot get in touch with her as she blocked you. Often times, when one is upset and the relationship is a long distant one, it is too easy to block. She may unblock you soon if she knows deep down that you do love her and desire to work this out.

As you mentioned that you do not eat or drink, I can imagine how stressed out you feel, brother, and possibly depressed. Insha’Allah, I kindly suggest that you try to reduce your stress levels as well as your time spent worrying. You can do this by focusing on positive outcomes for this situation such as making plans to visit her (or bring her to you). Make du’aa’ to Allah that He grants ease and mercy and bless your marriage.

Seek out counseling if your loss of appetite continues. Seek out the support of your close brothers who may get your mind thinking towards a positive way. Often times, our friends have been through similar situations as us and can offer great insight and support.  If you do have close friends such as these, please do seek their companionship.

Brother, try to find a way to see your wife with the goal of living together in the near future. If needed, ask family for assistance in reaching her. Have a plan of action in place to discuss with her as well as other supports that she may need as a new Muslim and a new wife. Please be good to yourself and know that we all go through tests and trials in this life.

You sound like you are newly married. Therefore, there will be some “bumps” and hard times in this process, especially as you do not live together yet. Please know this is normal but also know that insha’Allah the situation must be remedied. Insha’Allah, she will unblock you or you will get a hold of her another way to begin to heal your marriage.

Marriage is a commitment that is not always smooth sailing but has many blessings once you learn to navigate it.

Please let us know how you are doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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