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After 3 Months of Marriage, I’m Still Afraid of Having Sex

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 17, 2018

Question

Hello. I have a question. Let’s say a couple is married for 3 months but has not consumed their marriage because the wife feels a lot of pain and fear when the husband is about to penetrate. What should be done to help the couple in this situation? please help.

Counselor

Answer


After 3 Months of Marriage, I’m Still Afraid of Having Sex

In this counseling answer:

• Whether it is physical or psychological, the best thing you can do to start is to see a doctor.

• When you are relaxed, the fear will reduce.

• Don’t feel pressured.


Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

Firstly, just to reassure, many people experience a sense of fear of this sort in a new marriage, both men and women alike. So, you are not alone.

In this situation, the first thing to consider reasons for pain and fear. This will guide the path that you take in overcoming this difficulty.

Regardless of the cause, whether it is physical or psychological, the best thing you can do to start is to see a doctor. She will be able to give you a physical examination if it is a physical issue or refer you to psychological intervention if it is a psychological issue

You yourself will have some idea of why you experience fear. Is it just because of the act itself and you fear any pain? Or is it a result of abuse either in the present or in the past?

If it is a result of abuse, then seeking counseling to overcome the psychological barriers will make it easier to approach your husband as you address past issues. If it is present abuse, then obviously this is a lot more serious and you need to seek assistance immediately.


Check out this counseling video:


However, it seems that most likely the issue you have been facing here is a fear of pain in doing the act itself. If this is the case, then it is important to not feel pressured as this will only heighten the fear and add to the pain.

Only approach it when you are ready to be sure that you are relaxed. When you are relaxed, the fear will reduce. If there is anything that helps you to relax, then use this to your advantage.

Tell your husband about how you feel. It might feel uncomfortable, especially since you are just newly married, but remember that now you are married. You are halal for each other and these actions and discussions are now perfectly acceptable. There is nothing to shy away from within the relationship. Making it something that is not spoken about, again, will only make it something to fear even more.

Remember that having intercourse with your spouse is an act of worship, especially since it is the only way that you can increase the ummah in a halal way. Keeping this purpose in mind also may make things easier for you too as you look to the ultimate purpose.

May Allah bring you ease and make things easier for you.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

7 Tips For Overcoming Your Fear Around Sex

Ready for Marriage, but Scared to Have Sex

13 Things You Should Know Before the Wedding Night




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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